this is my fourth post in one week, which could only mean one thing:
- i have a lot of time and am bored
- i don’t have a lot of time and am freaking out
- i have a lot to say
- i just want to write something
- i am fulfilling a secret mission
- i am not me
- none of the above
- all of the above
i feel like i’m in a state of everythingness. it’s difficult to describe; not because i am suppressing anything (or am i?), but it’s like in my brain there is a constant processing of things, and it keeps working in the background… it still is loading so maybe when it’s done i can better articulate it. the question is: will it ever be done?
as such i do feel that some resources of my faculties are being allocated to this subconscious contemplating, which makes me feel like my brain is not functioning 100%. i don’t think it’s a mental fog cos that feels more like some parts of my brain were hibernating and i couldn’t wake them up at will. it is quite odd, yes. i have the strong urge to create stuff in the artistic sense, but i have no idea what exactly and what i would like to convey. if it sounds abstract, it’s because it is. nothing feels too concrete to me now.
sometimes it feels like nothing is real. for example: i was cycling yesterday in the evening when it was dark, i forgot to check the weather forecast beforehand and it started raining cats and dogs, i could barely see because there are no automatic wipers on my glasses like a car windshield… and instead of exercising more precaution and slowing down, i accelerated cos it felt like i was manoeuvring a game character in GTA.
how can one feel lost and purposeful at the same time? i don’t know but i can tell you that it’s possible.
simultaneously wanting everything and also nothing? yeah, every day.
feeling hopeful and hopeless. feeling lonely and wanting to be alone at the same time. feeling overwhelmed and relaxed. wishing that i can use another word other than “feeling” but the alternatives sound too weird so i’ll just overuse it. feeling free but also trapped. not feeling anything but also everything.
everythingness. whatever that means. (it’s not a real word)
i don't like kwy 