the last time i felt this way…

…i broke my arm a few hours later.


side note: i suddenly felt like writing this post in the middle of studying simulation science…idk what that says about the subject or me.

second side note: ok WordPress’ new editor is kinda hard to use…how do i add a line break??? ok maybe back to studying for a while…(currently in a study session)

third side note: the editor is really interesting but also…complicated…oh wow cool a lot of keyboard shortcuts ❤


quoting myself in my n-th attempt in keeping a diary; that time was an experiment with writing on my iPad, which is actually great, cos i could access to everything everywhere but also…for some reason i stopped.

ok so the quote:

i’m actually happy. my shit seems to be pulled together. seems like i [only] have Mathe to worry about.

-around 8am on May 1st, 2019

it’s a pretty long entry (by my standards) but it’s also full of dumb stuff so im gonna try to pretend i didn’t see it. approximately four hours later, i landed on bad footing while playing badminton and slipped and broke my right arm and completely torn a knee ligament. things that ensued could sometimes be seen insinuated throughout my angsty posts since.

anyway, that part i quoted is exactly what im feeling right now. this feeling of hope and excitement towards the future. (i am also aware that i’m much less eloquent than before and i’m really struggling with it but for now i dismiss it as not writing and reading enough English lately (my German’s improved though). hopefully i’d be able to churn out more real writings soon…after the exams..and i hope i don’t drown myself in other commitments. i need to commit more in myself. ) and oh yes, even the maths part is true for now. haha i don’t want to talk about it.

wow im so good at vomiting words, irrelevant words. maybe cos i was trying to figure out why am i actually writing but since i still have no idea and my brain is slightly tired (what does this say about simulation science‽), i’m gonna stop.

maybe i just want to say that, if something bad happens to me in the next few hours, i want to be able to say that: i saw it coming.

and hopefully history doesn’t repeat.


PS: my current journaling experiment is a physical morning journal which isn’t updated nearly enough. well for now i can’t care too much about it. i have more pressing issues to handle. (i always do)

my pledge to donate

for a summary, please see my tweet(s) 

i will not discuss anything about racism in this post.


 my pledge is to donate at least an amount of money the same as my age every year to a worthy cause.

before anyone comes to me with the “well not everyone has that kind of extra cash as you!”, here is the maths.

i am currently 23 years old. next year i will be 24, so let’s take that as an example since the numbers would be round and beautiful.

24 divided by twelve months is just 2 a month. or 0.50 a week.

(please note that i omitted currency symbols since everyone uses a different currency. you may donate 24JPY (about 0.24€ or 0.22$) as you please.)

most of my peers are already working, and i doubt that it’s that hard to save 0.50 of something per week. even for students, it is doable.

for every new year, the amount that you need to save per month is increased by 1 divided by 12 which is about 0.083 per month. it takes a full 12 years for you to have to save an extra one something per month. and don’t tell me your earning capacity will not increase after 12 years. (ok maybe you would actually tell me that and i am sorry)

even if you are 96 years old, you only have to donate 2 per week, 8 per month. well sorry to assume that everyone would have a wealthy retired life but these are just examples. you could of course pay forward during your more able years.


why donate?

unless your job exclusively focuses on making certain minorities’ lives better or if you volunteer, all talk is not helping in any way. what we can do is offer our time and energy (that does not include being angry on social medias), or something more substantial, like money or other material goods.

for those who don’t have the time and/or energy to help, money would be more practical since it’s hard to know what needs there are.

does everyone have to donate?

no. only do what you can within your capacity.

do i have to tell everyone that i donated?

no, it’s up to you. i can’t find the quote but basically, don’t do something just to tell people about it. be sincere. i posted because i am comfortable about it.

what other worthy causes are there?

tbh, i only know a few mainstreams one, like for refugees, LGBTQA+, climate change movements, orphanages, etc. ok climate change is not a person but you get it.


being angry

Twitter has been angry and i made some observations. this is based on my tweet


social media is great. you get to see how it’s like

when powerful people get angry.

when famous people get angry.

when smart people get angry.

when stupid people get angry.

this got me to think and explore a little deeper and then i don’t think i lie in any of these categories (at least i hope not) then came the next thought (tweet)

and normal people being angry. which is pretty much…normal. like the healthy amount. not disproportionate.

and then since i provided some explanation on normal people being angry normally. how are the other angrys (not a legit word) like?
in my opinion:

powerful people: probably pulling strings to make things happen. could be good or bad. like undercover cops creating chaos? bad. but there might be good things that we don’t see (yet).

famous people: create awareness. tbh i wouldn’t even think much about the current issue if not for so many people speaking up about it. and that’s also a problem cos these issues actually appeared TO BE NORMAL to me. that’s actually kinda fucked up. i mean, i grew up in a country where i don’t get fair treatment because of my skin colour. so like, it’s been a tacit acceptance my whole life. haha

smart people: really subtly. they make you think why this happened (and come to conclusions on our own; which could deviate from what another individual thinks, but does that really matter?) and suggest ways that we could do to improve things. in a way, they would help us grow and leave this situation as a little better person.

stupid people: makes you want to say “yes you can be angry and you have the right to do so but you don’t have to be THAT angry” or “you’re being angry at the wrong thing”.


these are of course just my own views and my thinking could probably be more refined. maybe i’ll explore this topic further in the future. maybe i’ll leave this here. who knows.

it was the anniversary of me breaking half my body

but then i forgot to post it. so here it is. basically it’s just an extended text from my Instagram post.


one year anniversary of the most memorable Labour Day in my life.  

but the real labour was on the day after, after i *smartly* refused painkillers when i first got sent to the hospital; well, that was just one in a series of bad decisions i made last year. 

another bad decision was to play badminton, which is quite laborious, on the day dedicated to NOT perform any labour. 🏸 

i very briefly contemplated covering the scars with tattoos but nah. visible scars are to serve as reminders i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

today i can laugh about it because of how outrageous it was; as with most of the other poor choices. 

quoting Marcus Aurelius in Meditations:

“‘Unhappy am I because this has happened to me.’ — Not so, but happy am I, though this has happened to me, because I continue free from pain, neither crushed by the present nor fearing the future.” #wowintellectual

that’s the level of tranquility that i’m still working towards. 💩

•••

❓INJURY UPDATE❓

🌰 in a nutshell : i’ve accepted that my body would not recover to 100%. it’s probably gonna be a maximum of 95%. currently? maybe like 87%. 

🦾: i cannot exert strength for too long, so, carrying groceries and writing for a long time sucks sometimes. i need a surgery sometime soon to remove the metal things. hopefully hospitals could take in non-corona patients soon. and then hopefully things will be better. 

🦿: 70% of the time, i don’t remember that the leg was injured. the surgeon hit a nerve while operating so my right shin has been numb since October but…who even needs to feel something at that spot?? 😂 so im okay.

•••

once again, i wanna thank everyone who helped made my life after the accident more bearable. i read that sometimes it’s not the patients who suffer, but the caretakers (though it referred to dementia patients, but i think it’s generally true). nurses are my new heroes. except the one who merciless cut off my beautiful splint/bandage/that thing on my arm. 😢 

•••

and yes, i’d play badminton again the second i’m allowed to. #tryagainbetternexttime 🤗 

•••

PS: i think i’m a little ambidextrous now??? 

what i’ve done in the 8 months or so in my “second gap year” : a Report

note: i can't believe i didn't publish this in 2018 lololol. i decided to not edit it (thus the present tense). well i went to Singapore and Indonesia after this post and read a few more books. that's about it.

It’s been 259 days since I came home from almost a year of being more than 10000km away, submerged in a completely different climate, culture, and language.

I was asked multiple times since: “Are you working or studying?”

I answered: “Neither.”

So from the persona I portray on social medias, people assume that I’m doing nothing, aka wasting my time and squandering my dad’s money (uh yes, I’m kinda a spoiled brat) and just having fun. Some people also thought that I stopped studying to travel (that’s a great idea actually except my wanderlust isn’t that big).

Well, I’m not trying to prove you wrong but I’m gonna remind myself about what I’ve actually done; this is a self-reflection and welcome to part of my world.


I have visited four Malaysian cities: Penang, Kampar, Ipoh, Malacca; and four countries: Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong. I wasn’t home for approximately 43 days. Don’t ask me for my favourite city/country.

I met some very cool and nice people from everywhere in the world, and managed to engage in deep conversations with several of them. In contrast, there are Malaysians with whom I could not get over an exchange of formalities, even if we’ve known each other for ages.

I am trying to run a business to help people save time deciding what to wear, and mostly am broke because of this. It’s not really working because I made it hard to even decide what to buy. Well, I gotta learn. And I’m getting help. So wish me luck. And also please like the page on Facebook and follow it on Instagram, that would be much much much appreciated and thanks in advance! Oh yeah, my friends get a special discount code; ask and you shall receive.

I read 26 books (and actively reading two books) and also a bunch of articles. Mostly about philosophy and business, stuff completely unrelated to what I would be studying because why not.

I kinda learnt to read Hiragana and Katakana, two of the Japanese scripts. I’m determined to learn the language but…nah…I’m lazy. The same thing happened with French although with French, the pronunciation is still screwing me up.

I sent way too many postcards and festival cards that I think I can write a pretty accurate review of postal services of the countries I’ve been to. I definitely have enough knowledge of the postal products to work at a Malaysian post office.

I missed seven birthday bashes and am about to miss an eighth one…I am forever sorry.

I was briefly obsessed with rhythmic gymnastics and spent four full days camping at the stadium and then randomly getting an invitation to attend the gala dinner. Oh it was fun and disastrous.

I got a tattoo.

I spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandmother, and I think that’s something I will cherish in the future. My brother? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. But he said that he would buy me a PS4 controller and a game I want so I can play. Yay.

I started going to mental health therapy. I’m still not comfortable to disclose the details openly but I might tell you about it privately.

I watched a lot of films and TV and I also read about good films and good TV so I know what a good motion picture should be like but unfortunately most of what is on a screen is crap.

I somehow still manage to German. I’m super glad that I met (a lot of) Germans in Australia.

I gained a better appreciation for art, whether in the form of words, audios, visuals, and whatever.

I lost about 5kg. I’m not entirely sure how that happened and also I’m feeling more positive about my body image. Also, never ever call someone fat, you don’t know the full story.

I got an invitation to do the entrance exam at my dream university in Switzerland but ultimately had to decline it because…I don’t want to say. The university was the main reason why I acquired the German language. It’s a tough decision emotionally to let go of this dream, but oh, #life.

I learnt to make peace with the fact that, no matter how close two persons were; either platonically or romantically; things can change and it only requires the decisions of one side to make that change and unfortunately I am most of the time on the receiving end.

I kept in touch (or tried to keep in touch) with friends who are in about eight different time zones. The worst difference I’ve ever experienced was 17 hours…damn. Time zone differences is very weird but the best thing is always having someone to talk to no matter what time it is. It’s also amazing how I talk more to some friends who are hundreds of nautical miles away than some friends who stay a few minutes away in the same city.

I befriended a person who shares the same surname as me! She’s the first person I know with that surname who isn’t family (our surname, 管 , is very rare). How cool right!!!

I cold-emailed and cold-tweeted at people I find interesting, normally with no response, so I might be better at dealing at rejections now, however…

I shared a brief correspondence with some people in Hollywood.

I was rejected by the school in Germany where I’ll be studying in and spent two weeks in Japan checking my email inbox every day for a reply from my appeal. 12 hours after landing home from Tokyo, I got accepted after making a 10 minutes phone call. I wish I could give credit to my persuading skills but the truth is, they misconverted my grades before.

I started this blog.


I could not be happier to say that I’m going to Germany next month to start the next chapter of my life; the past two years were definitely wonderful interludes.

2019 reflections + 2020 resolutions

threw a spontaneous NYE party with seven other friends and thought it would be fun to compile “best of” lists. that list is only for us to know, heh. then we did some reflections then some resolutions. after that we played games and got drunk. i don’t get how 10 persons managed to use 18 mugs/glasses but also i used three different ones for different beverages (wow).


2019 REFLECTIONS

(got these questions online while i was planning for the party, please pardon the sequence that doesn’t make sense)

an unexpected surprise last year: that i won a scholarship despite horrible academics results in the previous semester. however, the scholarship is awarded to students who engage themselves socially, a lot. hah.

best advice i heard last year: watch your mouth.

best thing i learned last year: to execute some basic life functions with my left hand. i still brush my teeth and eat with my left hand.

one word to describe last year: dramatic.

biggest regret last year: i fucked up something.

an unexpected obstacle last year: broken right arm and completely-torn right knee ligament at the same time.

best place i visited last year: Verona, Italy.

most excited for this this year: ironically but honestly, university.

most challenging thing last year: at one point after my accident, i had problems with my physical health, mental health (had anxiety and depression), emotional health, with some people i hold dear, with exam stress because i was very far behind classes because i missed a lot of classes due to poor mental and physical conditions, with a new job as a student research assistant at a university institute, and i had to manage a student association. i was literally operating with a broken arm, broken ligament, broken brain, and broken heart, at the same time. somehow i pulled through…

most grateful for last year: …thanks to friends who stuck around.

most inspiring person i met last year: will it be very narcissistic to nominate myself for this? cos i would actually be very impressed and inspired if i met someone who went through those shits like me; because despite having a terrible time most of the semester, the semester ended as if nothing bad happened. omitting the (extremely) negative aspects, i actually had a great semester, well, academically. and financially. this might be material for another blog post that ive been trying to work on.

my biggest achievement of 2019: having written the best paper in an exam; also, best grade to date!

funniest moment of the year: there probably were a lot cos i do a lot of dumb things/ do a lot of things dumbly but the one that came to my mind was the moment when i was on the operation theatre for my RIGHT arm surgery, alone and scared, and they nearly operated my left arm cos that was stated on the document.

place i want to visit this year: Poland. Turkey.

best moment of the year: couldn’t decide…


2020 RESOLUTIONS

these are quite vague because i need my privacy.

  • journal every day.
  • save money; get my finances straight.
  • be physically and mentally fit enough to go to the moon.
  • listen to a podcast every week.
  • spend more time alone.
  • eat my ego.
  • finish reading the books on the shelf.
  • not destroy the left side of my body.
  • try to churn out at least one blog post per month. a real post, not a reading journal. very unrealistic in the first three months because of exams…

    PS: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Lessons Learnt While Making (and Losing) Friends

  1. First impressions don’t really matter. Think about this: once you made a good impression; either by dressing up or acting like you normally wouldn’t, you’re gonna struggle a lot to preserve that image of you.
  2. Don’t expect people to treat you the same way as you treat them.
  3. You will meet new humans and you might have less time for the old ones, but keep in touch not just by seeing each other on social medias; initiate personal contact with them.
  4. People grow apart. According to Dunbar’s number, which is 150, that’s the average number of stable social relationships we can handle at one time. That means that, as you move on to next chapters in your life, the people in your direct vicinity change too and the names on the list of 150 change. Some names would be removed and replaced by new names. And that’s okay.
  5. People are generally nice and friendly, even if there is a language barrier.
  6. “It doesn’t degrade you when others treat you poorly; it degrades them.” – Ryan Holiday
  7. Knowing just a few words/phrases in someone’s native language can easily make someone’s day. However, do not know too many or else it might convey the impression that you actually speak the language, which of course makes someone’s day even more, but then you’d have to put on a poker face because you absolutely understood nothing when they spoke more and that someone’s day would then be a teeny bit ruined.
  8. It’s possible to love platonically.
  9. It’s easier to make new friends when you’re alone…even easier if your new friend was also alone. Loners attract. That’s kwy’s Friendship Law.
  10. Despite the amount of friends I have (ya i admit that i’m quite sociable) I think it’s very important to be able to be alone, being the company of yourself. Though I have failed to execute this well at the time of finishing the draft.
  11. Do not text someone you care when you’re in the company of someone else you care. Two things here; you should respect the company; and because you might not be focusing completely on both parties, you might sound rude
  12. Trust your intuitions about someone you just met. Bad vibes always turns out to be true in some way. Protect yourself.
  13. You really only need a few friends that truly care about you and support you. Quality > quantity.
  14. When asking for advice:  people will impose their reality on you and tell you stuff based on very different mindsets. So only ask for advice from people with whom you’d trade places with.
  15. Never take advantage of your friends in any regard. Or make them feel taken advantage of.
  16. Everyone has boundaries that might be very different from yours; physically, emotionally, mentally.
  17. Dropping someone off will always be hard, no matter how much that someone has wronged you.
  18. Envy shouldn’t exist in a friendship; you should be genuinely happy for a your friends’  achievements.