BHK: day 11-12

hari kesebelas

remember i said i was having a games night? we ended up just chatting till almost 1:30am…and so i woke up pretty late and was basically just really tired the entire day. didn’t do much except chilling and doomscrolling.

i however showered four times though, because of allergies, godammit. i slept really late too because of the allergies and had to distract myself (with YouTube).

Fifty Shades was on the 10th place today.

bottom right: Duolingo asking me some really hard questions

hari keduabelas (idek if this is the correct spelling)

why are there so many insects in this room??? i have committed at least 5 murders today on ants (ant-icide?).

i rushed some tasks for the university project and had a meeting too. that is easily the most productive thing ive done today.

according to my rough estimations, i would need about 4 more bottles of water to survive if i were being discharged tomorrow around noon. they gave me 10 so i’m thinking of doing a drinking game with water. im watching Sexify later with my partner per Teleparty, maybe every time they say the word “sex” or imply something sexual??

ive also been starting to pack as if im really gonna go home tomorrow (it’s supposed to be till Sunday), it’s not like i unpacked a lot but im really looking forward to leaving this Allergy Dungeon filled with crawling and flying insects! i actually brought a bunch of scrap paper too but i only used like 10% of it hahahahhaa.

apparently my dad’s been spending his MCO (Movement Control Order; basically a lockdown) deep-cleaning my room hahahah, so im looking forward to going home!

Fifty Shades is not on the charts anymore!

bottom left: ordered chicken rice from Outside again! ; bottom left: ready for the drinking game!

PS: another two ant-icides happened while writing this.

what on earth have i been doing in the past month

in short: not much


the main highlight is the exam season and i just bloody realised that im not even halfway through my exams!!! what on earth!!!! it’s been forever!!!! and my grades aren’t even that excellent…i can totally understand people who drop out…it literally feels like a waste of time. [to my friends who are worried that i might do just that : fret not, im asian and some part of me still want to feel the pride associated with a piece of hopefully recycled paper]

i used the Chinese New Year and exams as excuses to eat a lot of Chinese takeout and meat so i gained a substantial amount of weight which is why im annoyed. another side effect of this is my diminishing wallet. but i was happy as hell!

my thumb is still broken and my surgery wound is for some reason a little infected??? after two months??????? tending to it has been annoying (by tending i mean ignoring it, which is harder to do than you think). i went for my first run this year and since the surgery last week, which was invigorating and at the same time breathless. it is winter part 5 or 6 now here in Germany so im a little frustrated that i cannot go out and run and “wiggle*” the my extra weight away. [*quoting this directly from a data analysis & visualisation slide; please see below]

i started using a shampoo bar and mmmmmm for someone who is basically trash i think im doing a great job in reducing waste.

one more very important thing is the improvement of my mental health. my psychotherapist is amazing mannnnn! (i differentiate between a psychotherapist and physiotherapist because it wouldn’t be long till i have both in my life again)

i haven’t been reading as much as i wanted to so in some way, i feel like a stupider person. i have been however watching shows “to relax after a tense day of studying(cramming- because i didn’t do shit during the semester)” which is obviously just another excuse to not grow my mind in a more productive way during my free time…not proud of it but im chronically lazy person so yes, i will accept this personality flaw without question (cos that takes effort).

i have ideas for some EXCITING side projects to do in the near future…but first i need to. get. through. exam. anxiety. im combatting it by writing way more exams than i used to. i think im currently slated for more exams in this one semester than the last two combined … someone is trying to sprint to the finish line 8)

my brain was kinda swimming in keyboard vomit and i think i should just let it out so here it is…STAY ALIVE!!!!

my computer’s damaged. my right arm too. (temporarily)

i had a surgery three days ago and the days before were plagued with homemaking activities so i barely had time for myself nor uni. (the #100DaysOf challenges is failing badly)

sad to say that neither my home nor my right arm looks brand new. im trying to figure out if all this bad luck recently is the result of past karma or im paying stuff forward….

i am however feeling hopeful to regain most of my arm’s functionalities within a week though my thumb is currently not that mobile. im showering later today so that is something to look forward to!

i spent my week reading a lot about Aileen Wuornos and got her second autobiography. emotionally im also feeling a little horrible about my old roommate at the hospital.

my first exam is in less than three weeks. let’s goooooooooooo

don’t be harsh to people with early birthdays

my main question is: do people who fall into this category (whose birthday fall within the first two weeks of a year) fail their new year resolutions more often than others? because we also have to celebrate our birthdays? and Christmas and the New Year’s Eve and the New Year were just less than three weeks ago?? or do i celebrate more extravagantly than others? (i don’t think so, i kinda only had a dinner planned)

but as seen in my #100DaysOf experiment, i basically am failing to do anything productive on the day before, on The day, and now the day after. i essentially gave myself a 3 day break. and it’s not like im partying or anything —we are in a pandemic anyway, so i am mostly alone — but i really just feel like chillin’.

i tried to adhere to my plans, which mostly consists of studying but i couldn’t focus, almost at all. and the weird thing is, i wasn’t even thinking about anything else; my brain just didn’t want to focus. puh.

as such i feel like restarting my #100DaysOf challenge on Monday. (am i the only one who feels a strong need to start things on mondays???) or should i just continue it??? but with Day 3??? i’ll think about it when my brain agrees to thinking about it. hopefully tomorrow.

idk if this applies to everyone or just an idiosyncrasy of mine. i actually know people with birthdays from January 1 through 18, but alas, i just want to chill and not send surveys. i also should start replying to the wishes that i haven’t replied to….but i just want to chill mannnnn.


some (fun) facts about my birthday, which i think is the most interesting date ever (at least for me) (but i think i also speak for a North Korean maybe)
  • it’s January 8th.
  • so for people who share my birthday, we celebrate Christmas, New Year and our birthday on three consecutive weeks on the same day. (i always tell people that my birthday is exactly two weeks after Christmas and exactly a week after the New Year)
  • famous people who share our birthday: Elvis Presley, Stephen Hawking, David Bowie
  • but in recent years, i like to say Kim Jong-Un (leader of North Korea). i often said: “ha! the entire North Korea celebrates my birthday!” however, after really checking yesterday, i am horrified to learn that they don’t celebrate it at all. 😦 we can’t know for sure why but speculations include that it is too cold and too expensive to hold lavish celebrations…okay…
  • it is a day after the Orthodox Christmas!
  • and i just did a search to find out if there is anything else that is interesting about this day and LOL there is something called Typing Day …that is conceptualised and held in my homeland…what a coincidence.
  • other coincidences that happened this week: on Spotify’s Discover Weekly, which i started listening to because i don’t want my top songs 2021 to be something from 2020 trolololol, there is a song called Memphis by Kitten (which is eerily also playing in the background as i type this) which has the lyrics “im 24”, my current age. wow.
  • Netflix released a new French series and i had a Netflix Party for it haha. it’s a mix of Sherlock and Money Heist but French which also managed to be a comedy. 5 more episodes to go but im loving Netflix’s present to me.
  • it was finally winter wonderland here yesterday where i stay and yes, i’ll take it as the Universe’s birthday present to me cos the whiteness has almost vanished completely today

the wildest things ive done in this wild year — a List

the majority would call the year a rather eventful year; albeit it referring generally to the world and not to individual lives.

i can imagine that a lot of people had a rather flat slope (is that an oxymoron?) when it comes to the dramaticness of their lives in year 2020. im not trying to insult these people — as i have learnt, having a rather uneventful life is sometimes a better way to live — since the only good thing about people like me who are always chasing the adrenaline is, really, just to have anecdotes to tell at a (virtual) social gathering. other than that, sure, there may be some prestiges; yet normally it is cancelled out with negative events. i don’t speak for everyone but at least that is my experience.

i wouldn’t hesitate to do everything again though. though i might do some things better.

this is by no means a review of the year since some of the epiphanies aren’t that “wild”. posting this slightly earlier as im moving in two days. there shall be nothing to add to this list in that window.

  • tasked to head a research at work that could be written into a master’s thesis…and i wasn’t even very near to writing my bachelor’s thesis
  • sharply refined my definition of “friendship”
  • being active in the Teenage Bounty Hunters fandom #Stepril
  • didn’t step foot in my homeland at all
  • saved more than 5 times on electricity bills just by showering less (i owed my electricity provider almost 1500€ in a 9 and a half months timeframe)
  • decided to ditch social engagements in the form of student associations
  • kinda achieved the little financial freedom to even be able to donate to charities
  • i think i kinda can cook now‽
  • actually made a Christmas cover and video with talented friends and my mediocre skills in everything under a week
  • played my top song of the year 556 times this year, it’s Deleter by Grouplove
  • got into a pretty much long-distance relationship
  • went mostly vegetarian; attempting a more vegan diet now
  • i played badminton without hurting myself

i was speaking with a friend last night, on Discord, which is one of the most interesting discoveries i had this year, they asked me how do i perceive 2020. then i realised that it was an okayish good year for me. sure there were still some dramas but the goodnesses outweighs it all.

so im happy to report that:

2020, sorry, you didn’t get me.

the last time i felt this way…

…i broke my arm a few hours later.


side note: i suddenly felt like writing this post in the middle of studying simulation science…idk what that says about the subject or me.

second side note: ok WordPress’ new editor is kinda hard to use…how do i add a line break??? ok maybe back to studying for a while…(currently in a study session)

third side note: the editor is really interesting but also…complicated…oh wow cool a lot of keyboard shortcuts ❤


quoting myself in my n-th attempt in keeping a diary; that time was an experiment with writing on my iPad, which is actually great, cos i could access to everything everywhere but also…for some reason i stopped.

ok so the quote:

i’m actually happy. my shit seems to be pulled together. seems like i [only] have Mathe to worry about.

-around 8am on May 1st, 2019

it’s a pretty long entry (by my standards) but it’s also full of dumb stuff so im gonna try to pretend i didn’t see it. approximately four hours later, i landed on bad footing while playing badminton and slipped and broke my right arm and completely torn a knee ligament. things that ensued could sometimes be seen insinuated throughout my angsty posts since.

anyway, that part i quoted is exactly what im feeling right now. this feeling of hope and excitement towards the future. (i am also aware that i’m much less eloquent than before and i’m really struggling with it but for now i dismiss it as not writing and reading enough English lately (my German’s improved though). hopefully i’d be able to churn out more real writings soon…after the exams..and i hope i don’t drown myself in other commitments. i need to commit more in myself. ) and oh yes, even the maths part is true for now. haha i don’t want to talk about it.

wow im so good at vomiting words, irrelevant words. maybe cos i was trying to figure out why am i actually writing but since i still have no idea and my brain is slightly tired (what does this say about simulation science‽), i’m gonna stop.

maybe i just want to say that, if something bad happens to me in the next few hours, i want to be able to say that: i saw it coming.

and hopefully history doesn’t repeat.


PS: my current journaling experiment is a physical morning journal which isn’t updated nearly enough. well for now i can’t care too much about it. i have more pressing issues to handle. (i always do)

my pledge to donate

for a summary, please see my tweet(s) 

i will not discuss anything about racism in this post.


 my pledge is to donate at least an amount of money the same as my age every year to a worthy cause.

before anyone comes to me with the “well not everyone has that kind of extra cash as you!”, here is the maths.

i am currently 23 years old. next year i will be 24, so let’s take that as an example since the numbers would be round and beautiful.

24 divided by twelve months is just 2 a month. or 0.50 a week.

(please note that i omitted currency symbols since everyone uses a different currency. you may donate 24JPY (about 0.24€ or 0.22$) as you please.)

most of my peers are already working, and i doubt that it’s that hard to save 0.50 of something per week. even for students, it is doable.

for every new year, the amount that you need to save per month is increased by 1 divided by 12 which is about 0.083 per month. it takes a full 12 years for you to have to save an extra one something per month. and don’t tell me your earning capacity will not increase after 12 years. (ok maybe you would actually tell me that and i am sorry)

even if you are 96 years old, you only have to donate 2 per week, 8 per month. well sorry to assume that everyone would have a wealthy retired life but these are just examples. you could of course pay forward during your more able years.


why donate?

unless your job exclusively focuses on making certain minorities’ lives better or if you volunteer, all talk is not helping in any way. what we can do is offer our time and energy (that does not include being angry on social medias), or something more substantial, like money or other material goods.

for those who don’t have the time and/or energy to help, money would be more practical since it’s hard to know what needs there are.

does everyone have to donate?

no. only do what you can within your capacity.

do i have to tell everyone that i donated?

no, it’s up to you. i can’t find the quote but basically, don’t do something just to tell people about it. be sincere. i posted because i am comfortable about it.

what other worthy causes are there?

tbh, i only know a few mainstreams one, like for refugees, LGBTQA+, climate change movements, orphanages, etc. ok climate change is not a person but you get it.