one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous

In 4 days I’ve managed to do some very dumb (but luckily pretty minor) things that could demonstrate my skills in being so clumsy that one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous.


  • So I’ve cut fingers with a knife twice in two months now, that makes it an average of once per month. It’s not a very shallow cut and some flesh is missing and there was an amount of blood but ya im still alive. Handicap-level was quite high though I cut my left hand cos I could barely shower and do dishes without feeling pain and coincidentally i was smart enough to host parties at my place so i had to make my guests wash the plates, #BestHostEver .

 

  • I choked while showering. Don’t ask me how.
  • I sprained my ankle very badly this morning cos i wanted to wake up to kill the alarm clock but somehow i twisted my ankle. While being half conscious. I think it was because my legs were numb beforehand so my leg isn’t correctly aligned? And I panicked because of that annoying alarm so boom, I’m jumping around my house on my other good foot. Handicap level is mega high cos i can barely move without feeling pain at the swollen fat ankle.

First update came just two days after i published the original. i really am gonna kill myself soon am i? It’s Thursday and I haven’t left my residence since Monday night because of the sprained ankle. However, I’m feeling a lot of love from my friends; neighbours helping me buy stuff from the city and checking on me, friends coming over to study with me and accompanying me, and generally a lot of kind messages and tips on healing my ankle.  Life is great. Okay not really cos there’s snow outside and i really wanna have a real snowball fight but i can barely run.

  • the reason why i’ve been reluctant to leave my home is because i’d have to put on shoes cos it’s cold outside (at home in Malaysia it’s perfectly fine with slippers) but my classmate and i saw people building a snowwoman (we know it’s a woman because she has long hair. sorry i don’t have a picture) so i had to go out. In slippers.  My extremities were so frozen that it hurt for a long while even when I got into the warmness of my house. so yeah. DUMB. But also, because of the freezing cold, i walked more normally in the snow cos my feet were numb.

 


This post will be updated as I gather more convincing proofs that one day i would have a tearless funeral.

Grieving

It’s a strong word. It’s a strong verb. It’s a strong emotion.


I haven’t grieved for a long time; I’ve also never grieved the loss of a friend. I don’t know what to feel, or rather, I don’t know what I am feeling.

I don’t think my brain has completely registered it. Maybe it understood it for a while when there were tears streaming down my eyes while I was trying to study how to measure temperature. I didn’t exactly learn how to because it’s in German, the language that brought us together.

It’s been more than a year since we last saw each other in person, though we did do video calls with the others in Australia and Hong Kong this year. I will miss the random phone calls when I was in Göttingen, in Selangor, and in Osaka. I don’t think anyone else has ever tried to reach me at so many places.


I’m sorry for not texting you that often, especially since we started university, how was your university life actually? I’ve only managed to hear a little about it from other people’s mouths. I wish I talked to you personally instead.

I thought we had time. After all, we were supposed to have a Goethe reunion at some point right? And we’re all in Europe, a small continent, where it takes just over three hours to fly from one end to another end.


I cannot imagine how the others who were much closer to you are coping; I’m suffering. I had company the days before and couldn’t mourn properly. Tonight is dedicated to that.

It is strange.

I think, subconsciously, I believe that you’re gone. Yet consciously, my brain couldn’t grasp that concept. Alas, sometimes I couldn’t believe that my mom’s gone too, haha. Why are we alive if we would die anyway? What’s the purpose of life then?


I didn’t care enough to decipher your Instagram bio, but now I want to know. Maybe I’d write a computer program to find the answer. I hope you’re laughing in heavens at how much trouble this little beer lady will be going through.

How do I find your Spotify playlist that has the MAINSTREAM songs we listen to?

I’m drinking mead, aka honey wine, and I’m under alcohol influence but I also have to do the dishes myself later.


Brandenburger Tor, it’s been a week since I last texted you, why don’t you reply?

cos i had a bad day

though i actually don’t feel that bad but it’s actually bad. why am i so optimistic. anyway it’s late so this is gonna be a listicle.


BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED TODAY (November 12, 2018):

  • Belgian train delays en route back to Aachen. The trains were never on time anyway.
  • my bolster broke open and most of its inner organs came out while i washed it in the washing machine. i am so sad. the bolster has been with me for almost 15 years i think. i’m gonna be a surgeon and sew the wound. but tomorrow.
  • i bought a cork board to better organise my stuff and i also bought Sugru for that matter but the board was too heavy and i spent 30 minutes trying to fix it on my wall and ultimately gave up which is shitty cos there are now stains on my wall and an unhanged cork board.
  • i didn’t get a cheese cloth to sieve my honey oat vodka so i had to do it manually by hand. for a longgggg time. feeling so dumb.
  • a bus driver got out of his bus to scold me cos apparently i was cycling to close to the bus.
  • i normally look forward to receiving letters in the mail but today i got one that notifies me that i have to pay some taxes. worse thing is, they didn’t even spell my full name out and got my gender wrong. how dare they ask me for money if they don’t even respect my basic identity.
  • freaking drying machine didn’t work
  • i accidentally locked myself out of the room while returning some stuff to a friend. the problem could be easily solved cos i know the caretaker well. but. there is always a but. BUT lazy ass me has the habit of leaving my key in the keyhole so i don’t misplace them anywhere else in the room so my key was left in the keyhole and the replacement key wouldn’t work. that’s why the caretaker had to pry open my door (he did it in less than 30 seconds) and i have to pay a fine tomorrow.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE:

  • i had a great weekend in Belgium though i spent too much money and calories.
  • i managed to do some home improvement stuff
  • i did rock-climbing!! it was soooooooo funnnnnnn i can’t wait to go again
  • i handed in my homework on time
  • i have great friends!!!

The First Week of University

lame ol’ title cos i don’t have the time nor energy for a better one. then i should write when i think of something better? well, then, this would never be written. 


I’ve been in Aachen for about two and a half weeks in total but it feels much longer than that, though I still rely on Google Maps and Apple Maps to get to places. I walk and run (to chase the buses) and take the buses a lot. I’m gonna get a bike soon cos the public transport isn’t punctual lol. Apparently cos some buses come from the Netherlands and Belgium. Haha.

I understood about 60% of the class because damn, it’s so bloody hard to learn something in another language!!! It’s kinda depressing…but i’ll get through it. I hope. There are about 70+ of us in this course, one of the smallest groups in the university; the most popular course, Mechanical Engineering, has like, 1500 students.

I spoke mostly in Mandarin dammit, why are there so many Mandarin-speaking people here?????? I had troubles understanding and expressing myself in German on the first few days, but now I’m starting to ghost Chinese people and befriend Germans so it could only be better from now. Yay.

I obtained a Bachelor of Beer certificate on my first day of university hahahahhaahhahahahaha. We had to drink ten beers in ten different bars in 9 hours but we finished it in 4.5 hours aahhahahahaha we are amazing ngehehehehhehehehhehe i can’t wait to be a double degree student wahahahahhahahaha i’m gonna list this on my CV.

I joined the juggling club. I understand the idea of it but my stupid arms cannot work like a robot…I hope I can join our seniors soon to play!!!

I was chosen to be the “Social Coordinator” of the Chinese-German Society, aka as “Party Coordinator”. Time to show China some Malaysian-Chinese culture.

The other Malaysians here are super amazing and we all had fun confusing the shit outta everyone when we speak in Mandarin and English. MALAYSIA BOLEH! Most of them are from Penang, or that part of the country, how surprising. And we are planning to start a Malaysian Club!


I told myself and a few close friends a few months ago that I wanted to be antisocial in uni..IT IS NOT WORKING.

 

 

 

Farewell.

In the past two years, I have had to bid farewell too many times; either temporarily, eternally, or it-might-be-temporary-but-could-be-eternal-too-ly.


Before that, the major goodbyes that I had to say were on the last day of primary school, the day my mom died, and the last day of secondary (high) school, spanning five years.

What do you mean by major goodbyes?

The case with my mom, that’s obvious. As for others, my school mates and teachers, it could be goodbye forever unless we make an effort to keep in touch and try to see each other again. Major goodbyes also consists of leaving a physical location and a phase of life. For me, mostly people though.


Yet in the last two years, the rate of Goodbyes for me increased tremendously; I’m not talking about some random stranger I met on a random day, I mean people that I have had the chance to form an emotional attachment to; places that I’ve lived in (different from a short getaway, this typically means living somewhere for at least 2 weeks and leading a normal life, doing non-touristy things but human things); stages of my life where after I completed the current activity that’s beneficial to my future, I would never ever repeat that activity again. Allow me to elaborate.

PEOPLE

I believe this is self-explanatory. Surely you have experienced that feeling of sadness and heartbreak.

I am lucky to have the chance make friends from all over the world. I met most of them while studying German in Germany, over there, a course typically runs for a month or two months; I did two two-month courses and three one-month courses, so five courses; some people were only there for a course or two. I was meeting new people at the beginning of every course but I also had to say goodbyes at the end of every course. A lot of my friends back home wouldnt be able to relate because how could I be so heartbroken for people I’ve just known for a month or two? Well, try seeing the same people every day during 80% of your waking hours. Some maths: so a normal human is probably awake for 16 hours per day (going by the 8 hour per night guideine), 80% will be 11.4 hours, per day. Sounds a lot? Because it is. Most of my classes started at 8.30am and ended at 1pm, we hung out during breaktimes too. Then we had lunch together. After lunch normally we split up and went back to our own rooms to mind our own businesses. Then we’d have teatimes. Then dinner. And more hanging out after dinner. That’s a shit ton of time spent together with someone I’ve just met.

In contrast, back in the school days in Malaysia, I was basically just home after school and the only times I got to see my friends and talk nonsense were during recesses, co-curricular activities, and maybe weekend meetups but that was rare cos we couldn’t drive yet. It’s actually not a lot of time. I’m trying to say that I might have spent more time in a month in Germany with someone new in my life than someone back home whom I’ve known since primary school.

Oops sorry this turned out more long-winded than I expected. Back to it.

So there’s five goodbyes just at the language institutes in Germany. And I met some of the people again but we had to say goodbye again and honestly that really sucked. Through my solo trips this year to Australia, Japan, Singapore, and Indonesia, I’ve had to bid more farewells because really, when would I see any of those people again?

I also had to remove some people from my life, normally toxic people but sometimes, just friends who grew apart. Think about it…these might be unspoken goodbyes. Sad. Yet I have no control over these things.

PLACES

Last year, I left Freiburg im Breisgau where I spent a total of six months three times; I cried on every occasion. It literally broke my heart every time but I suspect that most of it has got to do with the people I met there. People again. Darn it.

Leaving Germany in November was another odd farewell. Though I was sure that I’d be back in within a year, I couldn’t help but felt an emptiness in my heart while boarding the plane.

Gaining a better appreciation of people and life, I also had little twitches in my heart when having to depart from Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong, Singapore, and Indonesia. Although I might have complained about things, the question that would pop into my mind whenever I’m on my way to the airport was: When would I see these places again?

PHASE OF LIFE

From being a baby to going to the kindergarten, then primary school, then secondary school, then college/pre-uni; those are different life phases. Most people I grew up with follow the same trajectory up till the end of secondary school, then we all diverged. Some  went to university, some started working. I studied Cambridge Advanced-Levels. Most of my coursemates went to study right after while I learnt the German language. The past nine months or so being home is essentially a gap year, which I’m glad that I used to gain more life experiences. I’m blessed in so many ways and am grateful for it.

After this, I’m starting university; two years later than most peers; but I’d be there. I cannot imagine the life after studies though…at this point I’ve spent more than three quarters of my life studying I cannot visualise anything without it. Ha. Ha.


 

I looked forward into starting the new life but now that it’s really happening, I find myself sad. It’s a weird mix of feelings.

Sad to leave my family and friends here, sad to leave the previous phase of life (the #foreveralone phase), sad to leave Malaysia.

This is one of my worst writings, possibly because of my laborious attempt to transition to German time while being in Malaysia…I am sleep deprived. Also it took me more than a month to write this and this is a last minute finish. Mmm, gotta have better writing strategies after this.

Thank you for reading if you’ve made it to here.


Fare well.

reasons to not like kwy (a non-exhaustive list)

  1. I assume everyone knows who “kwy” is.
  2. I can and sometimes will disagree on everything you agree on.
  3. I think I am talented.
  4. I’m lazy.
  5. I’m obsessed with things that could be deemed inappropriate. (ie: serial killers, the number “8”,
  6. If I’m in love with you or think that I am, I’ll confess my feelings even if I knew it might ruin the friendship.
  7. I write bad poetry (if they’re even considered as poetry) when I’m feeling like a shit.
  8. I really hate conforming to society.
  9. I always assume that I’m better at something than I actually am, for example: cooking and singing.
  10. I don’t get social cues well.
  11. I make jokes at the most wrong of times with the most sensitive of topics.
  12. I voice my opinions out, sometimes too loudly.
  13. My accent.
  14. I talk too much.
  15. I pretend that I know a lot of things.
  16. I probably don’t hold the people you hold in high regard in high regard.
  17. I spell it as “stuffs” though I know that it’s wrong.
  18. Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but let me pretend we’re BFFs alright‽
  19. When I’m not drunk but I am but I am not but wait what I don’t get it. But I’m sober.
  20. I pretend to be a badass but actually have no balls to do a lot of things.
  21. I don’t find dogs cute (come fight me) (oh wait please don’t), I don’t find animals cute in general, except for the occasional human beings.
  22. I’d remember your birthday for sure, but I will not get you a present.
  23. I don’t use facial products at all.
  24. My ego.
  25. I underdress all the time.
  26. My recklessness.
  27. I don’t get the hype of a lot of “trendy” and “popular” things and I’m fine with it.
  28. The music I listen to.
  29. My inability to organise physical spaces.
  30. I probably don’t acknowledge your existence on Earth until I need a favour from you.
  31. I think it is okay to eat alone, to watch movies alone, to travel alone; to do everything alone

What I’ve Done in the past 8 months or so : a Report

It’s been 259 days since I came home from almost a year of being more than 10000km away, submerged in a completely different climate, culture, and language.

I was asked multiple times since: “Are you working or studying?”

I answered: “Neither.”

So from the persona I portray on social medias, people assume that I’m doing nothing, aka wasting my time and squandering my dad’s money (uh yes, I’m kinda a spoiled brat) and just having fun. Some people also thought that I stopped studying to travel (that’s a great idea actually except my wanderlust isn’t that big).

Well, I’m not trying to prove you wrong but I’m gonna remind myself about what I’ve actually done; this is a self-reflection and welcome to part of my world.


I met up with friends. Catching up is good, realising the distance between some of them and me is not. It’s sad but I’ve also started some friends as toxic though they have done nothing bad to me.

I learnt to be alone.

I have visited four Malaysian cities: Penang, Kampar, Ipoh, Malacca; and four countries: Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong. I wasn’t home for approximately 43 days. Don’t ask me for my favourite city/country.

I met some very cool and nice people from everywhere in the world, and managed to engage in deep conversations with several of them. In contrast, there are Malaysians with whom I could not get over an exchange of formalities, even if we’ve known each other for ages.

I am trying to run a business to help people save time deciding what to wear, and mostly am broke because of this. It’s not really working because I made it hard to even decide what to buy. Well, I gotta learn. And I’m getting help. So wish me luck. And also please like the page on Facebook and follow it on Instagram, that would be much much much appreciated and thanks in advance! Oh yeah, my friends get a special discount code; ask and you shall receive.

I read 26 books (and actively reading two books) and also a bunch of articles. Mostly about philosophy and business, stuff completely unrelated to what I would be studying because why not.

I kinda learnt to read Hiragana and Katakana, two of the Japanese scripts. I’m determined to learn the language but…nah…I’m lazy. The same thing happened with French although with French, the pronunciation is still screwing me up.

I sent way too many postcards and festival cards that I think I can write a pretty accurate review of postal services of the countries I’ve been to. I definitely have enough knowledge of the postal products to work at a Malaysian post office.

I missed seven birthday bashes and am about to miss an eighth one…I am forever sorry.

I was briefly obsessed with rhythmic gymnastics and spent four full days camping at the stadium and then randomly getting an invitation to attend the gala dinner. Oh it was fun and disastrous.

I got a tattoo.

I spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandmother, and I think that’s something I will cherish in the future. My brother? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. But he said that he would buy me a PS4 controller and a game I want so I can play. Yay.

I started going to mental health therapy. I’m still not comfortable to disclose the details openly but I might tell you about it privately.

I watched a lot of films and TV and I also read about good films and good TV so I know what a good motion picture should be like but unfortunately most of what is on a screen is crap.

I somehow still manage to German. I’m super glad that I met (a lot of) Germans in Australia.

I gained a better appreciation for art, whether in the form of words, audios, visuals, and whatever.

I lost about 5kg. I’m not entirely sure how that happened and also I’m feeling more positive about my body image. Also, never ever call someone fat, you don’t know the full story.

I got an invitation to do the entrance exam at my dream university in Switzerland but ultimately had to decline it because…I don’t want to say. The university was the main reason why I acquired the German language. It’s a tough decision emotionally to let go of this dream, but oh, #life.

I learnt to make peace with the fact that, no matter how close two persons were; either platonically or romantically; things can change and it only requires the decisions of one side to make that change and unfortunately I am most of the time on the receiving end.

I kept in touch (or tried to keep in touch) with friends who are in about eight different time zones. The worst difference I’ve ever experienced was 17 hours…damn. Time zone differences is very weird but the best thing is always having someone to talk to no matter what time it is. It’s also amazing how I talk more to some friends who are hundreds of nautical miles away than some friends who stay a few minutes away in the same city.

I befriended a person who shares the same surname as me! She’s the first person I know with that surname who isn’t family (our surname, 管 , is very rare). How cool right!!!

I cold-emailed and cold-tweeted at people I find interesting, normally with no response, so I might be better at dealing at rejections now, however…

I shared a very very brief correspondence with some people in Hollywood.

I was rejected by the school in Germany where I’ll be studying in and spent two weeks in Japan checking my email inbox every day for a reply from my appeal. 12 hours after landing home from Tokyo, I got accepted after making a 10 minutes phone call. I wish I could give credit to my persuading skills but the truth is, they misconverted my grades before.

I started this blog.


I could not be happier to say that I’m going to Germany next month to start the next chapter of my life; the past two years were definitely wonderful interludes.