don’t be harsh to people with early birthdays

my main question is: do people who fall into this category (whose birthday fall within the first two weeks of a year) fail their new year resolutions more often than others? because we also have to celebrate our birthdays? and Christmas and the New Year’s Eve and the New Year were just less than three weeks ago?? or do i celebrate more extravagantly than others? (i don’t think so, i kinda only had a dinner planned)

but as seen in my #100DaysOf experiment, i basically am failing to do anything productive on the day before, on The day, and now the day after. i essentially gave myself a 3 day break. and it’s not like im partying or anything —we are in a pandemic anyway, so i am mostly alone — but i really just feel like chillin’.

i tried to adhere to my plans, which mostly consists of studying but i couldn’t focus, almost at all. and the weird thing is, i wasn’t even thinking about anything else; my brain just didn’t want to focus. puh.

as such i feel like restarting my #100DaysOf challenge on Monday. (am i the only one who feels a strong need to start things on mondays???) or should i just continue it??? but with Day 3??? i’ll think about it when my brain agrees to thinking about it. hopefully tomorrow.

idk if this applies to everyone or just an idiosyncrasy of mine. i actually know people with birthdays from January 1 through 18, but alas, i just want to chill and not send surveys. i also should start replying to the wishes that i haven’t replied to….but i just want to chill mannnnn.


some (fun) facts about my birthday, which i think is the most interesting date ever (at least for me) (but i think i also speak for a North Korean maybe)
  • it’s January 8th.
  • so for people who share my birthday, we celebrate Christmas, New Year and our birthday on three consecutive weeks on the same day. (i always tell people that my birthday is exactly two weeks after Christmas and exactly a week after the New Year)
  • famous people who share our birthday: Elvis Presley, Stephen Hawking, David Bowie
  • but in recent years, i like to say Kim Jong-Un (leader of North Korea). i often said: “ha! the entire North Korea celebrates my birthday!” however, after really checking yesterday, i am horrified to learn that they don’t celebrate it at all. 😦 we can’t know for sure why but speculations include that it is too cold and too expensive to hold lavish celebrations…okay…
  • it is a day after the Orthodox Christmas!
  • and i just did a search to find out if there is anything else that is interesting about this day and LOL there is something called Typing Day …that is conceptualised and held in my homeland…what a coincidence.
  • other coincidences that happened this week: on Spotify’s Discover Weekly, which i started listening to because i don’t want my top songs 2021 to be something from 2020 trolololol, there is a song called Memphis by Kitten (which is eerily also playing in the background as i type this) which has the lyrics “im 24”, my current age. wow.
  • Netflix released a new French series and i had a Netflix Party for it haha. it’s a mix of Sherlock and Money Heist but French which also managed to be a comedy. 5 more episodes to go but im loving Netflix’s present to me.
  • it was finally winter wonderland here yesterday where i stay and yes, i’ll take it as the Universe’s birthday present to me cos the whiteness has almost vanished completely today

the wildest things ive done in this wild year — a List

the majority would call the year a rather eventful year; albeit it referring generally to the world and not to individual lives.

i can imagine that a lot of people had a rather flat slope (is that an oxymoron?) when it comes to the dramaticness of their lives in year 2020. im not trying to insult these people — as i have learnt, having a rather uneventful life is sometimes a better way to live — since the only good thing about people like me who are always chasing the adrenaline is, really, just to have anecdotes to tell at a (virtual) social gathering. other than that, sure, there may be some prestiges; yet normally it is cancelled out with negative events. i don’t speak for everyone but at least that is my experience.

i wouldn’t hesitate to do everything again though. though i might do some things better.

this is by no means a review of the year since some of the epiphanies aren’t that “wild”. posting this slightly earlier as im moving in two days. there shall be nothing to add to this list in that window.

  • tasked to head a research at work that could be written into a master’s thesis…and i wasn’t even very near to writing my bachelor’s thesis
  • sharply refined my definition of “friendship”
  • being active in the Teenage Bounty Hunters fandom #Stepril
  • didn’t step foot in my homeland at all
  • saved more than 5 times on electricity bills just by showering less (i owed my electricity provider almost 1500€ in a 9 and a half months timeframe)
  • decided to ditch social engagements in the form of student associations
  • kinda achieved the little financial freedom to even be able to donate to charities
  • i think i kinda can cook now‽
  • actually made a Christmas cover and video with talented friends and my mediocre skills in everything under a week
  • played my top song of the year 556 times this year, it’s Deleter by Grouplove
  • got into a pretty much long-distance relationship
  • went mostly vegetarian; attempting a more vegan diet now
  • i played badminton without hurting myself

i was speaking with a friend last night, on Discord, which is one of the most interesting discoveries i had this year, they asked me how do i perceive 2020. then i realised that it was an okayish good year for me. sure there were still some dramas but the goodnesses outweighs it all.

so im happy to report that:

2020, sorry, you didn’t get me.

the last time i felt this way…

…i broke my arm a few hours later.


side note: i suddenly felt like writing this post in the middle of studying simulation science…idk what that says about the subject or me.

second side note: ok WordPress’ new editor is kinda hard to use…how do i add a line break??? ok maybe back to studying for a while…(currently in a study session)

third side note: the editor is really interesting but also…complicated…oh wow cool a lot of keyboard shortcuts ❤


quoting myself in my n-th attempt in keeping a diary; that time was an experiment with writing on my iPad, which is actually great, cos i could access to everything everywhere but also…for some reason i stopped.

ok so the quote:

i’m actually happy. my shit seems to be pulled together. seems like i [only] have Mathe to worry about.

-around 8am on May 1st, 2019

it’s a pretty long entry (by my standards) but it’s also full of dumb stuff so im gonna try to pretend i didn’t see it. approximately four hours later, i landed on bad footing while playing badminton and slipped and broke my right arm and completely torn a knee ligament. things that ensued could sometimes be seen insinuated throughout my angsty posts since.

anyway, that part i quoted is exactly what im feeling right now. this feeling of hope and excitement towards the future. (i am also aware that i’m much less eloquent than before and i’m really struggling with it but for now i dismiss it as not writing and reading enough English lately (my German’s improved though). hopefully i’d be able to churn out more real writings soon…after the exams..and i hope i don’t drown myself in other commitments. i need to commit more in myself. ) and oh yes, even the maths part is true for now. haha i don’t want to talk about it.

wow im so good at vomiting words, irrelevant words. maybe cos i was trying to figure out why am i actually writing but since i still have no idea and my brain is slightly tired (what does this say about simulation science‽), i’m gonna stop.

maybe i just want to say that, if something bad happens to me in the next few hours, i want to be able to say that: i saw it coming.

and hopefully history doesn’t repeat.


PS: my current journaling experiment is a physical morning journal which isn’t updated nearly enough. well for now i can’t care too much about it. i have more pressing issues to handle. (i always do)

my pledge to donate

for a summary, please see my tweet(s) 

i will not discuss anything about racism in this post.


 my pledge is to donate at least an amount of money the same as my age every year to a worthy cause.

before anyone comes to me with the “well not everyone has that kind of extra cash as you!”, here is the maths.

i am currently 23 years old. next year i will be 24, so let’s take that as an example since the numbers would be round and beautiful.

24 divided by twelve months is just 2 a month. or 0.50 a week.

(please note that i omitted currency symbols since everyone uses a different currency. you may donate 24JPY (about 0.24€ or 0.22$) as you please.)

most of my peers are already working, and i doubt that it’s that hard to save 0.50 of something per week. even for students, it is doable.

for every new year, the amount that you need to save per month is increased by 1 divided by 12 which is about 0.083 per month. it takes a full 12 years for you to have to save an extra one something per month. and don’t tell me your earning capacity will not increase after 12 years. (ok maybe you would actually tell me that and i am sorry)

even if you are 96 years old, you only have to donate 2 per week, 8 per month. well sorry to assume that everyone would have a wealthy retired life but these are just examples. you could of course pay forward during your more able years.


why donate?

unless your job exclusively focuses on making certain minorities’ lives better or if you volunteer, all talk is not helping in any way. what we can do is offer our time and energy (that does not include being angry on social medias), or something more substantial, like money or other material goods.

for those who don’t have the time and/or energy to help, money would be more practical since it’s hard to know what needs there are.

does everyone have to donate?

no. only do what you can within your capacity.

do i have to tell everyone that i donated?

no, it’s up to you. i can’t find the quote but basically, don’t do something just to tell people about it. be sincere. i posted because i am comfortable about it.

what other worthy causes are there?

tbh, i only know a few mainstreams one, like for refugees, LGBTQA+, climate change movements, orphanages, etc. ok climate change is not a person but you get it.


being angry

Twitter has been angry and i made some observations. this is based on my tweet


social media is great. you get to see how it’s like

when powerful people get angry.

when famous people get angry.

when smart people get angry.

when stupid people get angry.

this got me to think and explore a little deeper and then i don’t think i lie in any of these categories (at least i hope not) then came the next thought (tweet)

and normal people being angry. which is pretty much…normal. like the healthy amount. not disproportionate.

and then since i provided some explanation on normal people being angry normally. how are the other angrys (not a legit word) like?
in my opinion:

powerful people: probably pulling strings to make things happen. could be good or bad. like undercover cops creating chaos? bad. but there might be good things that we don’t see (yet).

famous people: create awareness. tbh i wouldn’t even think much about the current issue if not for so many people speaking up about it. and that’s also a problem cos these issues actually appeared TO BE NORMAL to me. that’s actually kinda fucked up. i mean, i grew up in a country where i don’t get fair treatment because of my skin colour. so like, it’s been a tacit acceptance my whole life. haha

smart people: really subtly. they make you think why this happened (and come to conclusions on our own; which could deviate from what another individual thinks, but does that really matter?) and suggest ways that we could do to improve things. in a way, they would help us grow and leave this situation as a little better person.

stupid people: makes you want to say “yes you can be angry and you have the right to do so but you don’t have to be THAT angry” or “you’re being angry at the wrong thing”.


these are of course just my own views and my thinking could probably be more refined. maybe i’ll explore this topic further in the future. maybe i’ll leave this here. who knows.

it was the anniversary of me breaking half my body

but then i forgot to post it. so here it is. basically it’s just an extended text from my Instagram post.


one year anniversary of the most memorable Labour Day in my life.  

but the real labour was on the day after, after i *smartly* refused painkillers when i first got sent to the hospital; well, that was just one in a series of bad decisions i made last year. 

another bad decision was to play badminton, which is quite laborious, on the day dedicated to NOT perform any labour. 🏸 

i very briefly contemplated covering the scars with tattoos but nah. visible scars are to serve as reminders i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

today i can laugh about it because of how outrageous it was; as with most of the other poor choices. 

quoting Marcus Aurelius in Meditations:

“‘Unhappy am I because this has happened to me.’ — Not so, but happy am I, though this has happened to me, because I continue free from pain, neither crushed by the present nor fearing the future.” #wowintellectual

that’s the level of tranquility that i’m still working towards. 💩

•••

❓INJURY UPDATE❓

🌰 in a nutshell : i’ve accepted that my body would not recover to 100%. it’s probably gonna be a maximum of 95%. currently? maybe like 87%. 

🦾: i cannot exert strength for too long, so, carrying groceries and writing for a long time sucks sometimes. i need a surgery sometime soon to remove the metal things. hopefully hospitals could take in non-corona patients soon. and then hopefully things will be better. 

🦿: 70% of the time, i don’t remember that the leg was injured. the surgeon hit a nerve while operating so my right shin has been numb since October but…who even needs to feel something at that spot?? 😂 so im okay.

•••

once again, i wanna thank everyone who helped made my life after the accident more bearable. i read that sometimes it’s not the patients who suffer, but the caretakers (though it referred to dementia patients, but i think it’s generally true). nurses are my new heroes. except the one who merciless cut off my beautiful splint/bandage/that thing on my arm. 😢 

•••

and yes, i’d play badminton again the second i’m allowed to. #tryagainbetternexttime 🤗 

•••

PS: i think i’m a little ambidextrous now??? 

about dreams

today is my mom’s seventh death anniversary. she succumbed to cancer after three years of battling it. i post a tribute every year. i decided to repost here because at least here WordPress respects the spacings i used to format my text. 


 

recently, i dreamt a lot. some of them are very weird but some of them didn’t stray too far from reality…which is sometimes confusing. 

and some felt very real.

in the past year, i probably dreamt of my mom more than in all the previous years combined. maybe because i needed a mom more than ever. what would she do when she found out that her daughter broke an arm through a sport that she used to drive me to play? what would she say to me during this pandemic? would i even be in Germany if she was there? 

well i didn’t dream of anything like that. what i dreamt was us on trips, sometimes with the rest of the family. once we were at a theme park (i think) and once we were at a safari. the others i don’t remember. once my mom was quarrelling with my dad (no they didn’t do this often in real life) and i was just being quiet there like how a kid does. it felt very normal. it felt very real. 

then i woke up. 

it always takes a few moments for me to recalibrate and for me to realise: “oh, my mom is not alive anymore. it was just a dream. she’s not here and she’s not there.” 

and this keeps happening. it sucks to feel the void when i‘m conscious but how could i mind? 

all i need to do is go to sleep early. 

#sevenyears