my computer’s damaged. my right arm too. (temporarily)

i had a surgery three days ago and the days before were plagued with homemaking activities so i barely had time for myself nor uni. (the #100DaysOf challenges is failing badly)

sad to say that neither my home nor my right arm looks brand new. im trying to figure out if all this bad luck recently is the result of past karma or im paying stuff forward….

i am however feeling hopeful to regain most of my arm’s functionalities within a week though my thumb is currently not that mobile. im showering later today so that is something to look forward to!

i spent my week reading a lot about Aileen Wuornos and got her second autobiography. emotionally im also feeling a little horrible about my old roommate at the hospital.

my first exam is in less than three weeks. let’s goooooooooooo

Uniklinik Aachen part 2

where is part 1 you ask? well who needs that when you can right away get part 2.

this is my first time typing with one hand (left) and on a tablet and in the hospital.

an anaesthesia doctor is currently talking to the 92 year old “roommate” of mine of a night. im leaving in a few hours and she’s having another operation.

im discharged and at home alone as i continue writing. i can also type with my right hand now though less efficient so the left hand is dominating. my total duration of stay at the hospital amounted to less than 24 hours. a friend accompanied me to another friend’s car. it was raining and i coudn’t properly wear my winter jacket

TIMELINE (vaguely as i remember it)


13:20 arrived at the hospital and then “checked-in” to my room. this procedure is different than the last time, presumably due to corona

15:00 my friend left

16:28 i was pushed out of the room; had to leave my phone, glasses and everything in the room

16:35 arrived at the observation room. a doctor there seemed confused and said that he had no idea. lollllll. i was left there alone with my thoughts but i could see the clock. a lot of people in scrubs passed by me, some looked over me, some completely ignored me, some left with bags. at one point i thought everyone’s leaving so i asked the Had-No-Idea doctor if the surgery was still on. he said yes of course

17:20ish a female doctor who just pushed a patient bed in introduced herself as the anaesthesia doctor and that she would be with me shortly

around 17:30 i had to slide to the “table”, i didn’t know that’s what they call the “bed” that patients are on while being operated. for safety reasons a belt was secured around my knee area. this reminded me a little of the execution chair that they use in America to administer the lethal injection. the anesthesia doctor cheerfully told me that i made a great decision with the partial anaethesia; i would be awake the entire time but she could chat with me

17:35 finally at the operation theatre! i think i saw a total of 10 or more different medical personnel. the anaesthesic team realise that they would have to call in an “expert” cos they would have to turn my entire arm numb ( i think they thought it was just the lower arm)

i no longer could see a clock so ive no idea now

they set up tables or something like that for me to stretch both my arms on each side. now this REALLY reminded of the execution chair cos they were also poking on both ends. the cheerful-anaesthesia-doctor tried to distract me as her newbie assistant tried to insert a needle on my left hand. also worth mentioning is that, at this point i have been fasting, not even having a drop of water, for about 18 hours now. i guess my veins were not very visible. well it hurt like hell as the cheerful doctor was distracting me by making small talk. i said i learnt German in Freiburg and she replied with “ich lieeeeeeeeebe Freiburg!” followed by me squirming in pain. then she took over and finally the easy part is over. this entire time, a motherlike-doctor was cupping my face, this doctor would hold my hand for a few times. seriously, very motherlike. i ended up with three holes on my left hand

next, the expert-anaesthesia doctor was there and he guided the cheerful-doctor using a device that allowed them to see the capillaries and shits like that in my body. another doctor/nurse was beside on standby to release the anaesthesic liquids and i could feel my muscle contract and that caused me to jerk. (i think people being executed sense something similar but much stronger and it happens all over their body) they repeated the process a few times and at another location then it was time to wait for it to work

later, two doctors rubbed my entire right arm in red alcohol. (i was already asleep during the last surgery so it was eye-opening to see them doing it live). some doctors made sure i was warm enough and securely strapped on the table (including the motherlike doctor, of ourse). after that, they told me that they will build a “tent” to maintain a sterilised environment during the surgery. in this “tent” lied only my right arm. i could not see a thing so i was a little disappointed cos i honestly thought that i would be able to watch them doing the surgery.

after all of this was done, they started the protocol, like calling a meeting (something i missed the last time too). very interesting.

finally, it was time to test the anaesthesia. someone pinched me and asked if i felt that. yes. it hurt a lot. and then they were like: “hmm should we have a full anaesthesia?” then the anaesthesia team suggested that we all wait for another five minutes. but like 30 seconds later they directly cut on my skin which hurt so much my entire body jumped forward (now i know what the safety belt is for) and the surgery team called out: “nope it’s not working.” the reply was “well we said to wait for 5 minutes, not 30 seconds, if you can’t wait, then let’s just do the full anaesthesia.”

after getting my approval, i was then unconscious and they did their thing. i think it might be 18:30 when they finally started.

20:20 i was awake as they pushed me into the observation room. they mentioned that i regained some consciousness as they were sewing the wound. i was in pain so they gave me liquid painkillers. i also noticed that my right arm was numb so that proved that the partial anesthesia could’ve sufficed.

a nurse was tending to me and asked me where im from. then she said that she was there before too. i showed her my tattoo. at this point i was kinda groggy and upset cos they didn’t save the metal plate that they removed. at one point she told me that it was already 21:15 and i remember thinking: wow time flies down here.

finally got back to my room at around 21:30 and got my phone and informed my dad, my partner, and some friends. then Instagram.

as i could walk (something that i couldn’t do well the last time), i even used the toilet without help. but i needed help because i was on my period….ugkkk so much blood loss. i felt like throwing up and they told me it’s because of the anaesthesia; i practically had too much of it. i requested food though they dripped glucose into me before this. and i ate it at about 11pm, with the help of a nurse smearing margarine and jam on two slices of bread. the hospital doesn’t serve vegan meals and it came with a yoghurt. i happily ate the plain yoghurt cos i haven’t had dairy products for about two weeks now (it’s not a very long time but still). this morning i had cheese and quark for breakfast hahahahaha. what is Veganuary hahahahaha


the lady beside me couldn’t sleep and we made some small talk and tried to sleep. i was awake once at around 3am. then again at 5am because a nurse came in who barked “junge Frau! haben Sie nach der OP Pipi gemacht?” (young lady! have you urinated after your surgery?) then again at about 7am cos they were doing their rounds.

a 10-doctor team came to greet us (my roommate and me). their first words to me were “you have extremely hard bones hmm. i heard that they struggled a lot to try to remove everything.” to which i replied: “well that’s great to know, so it wouldn’t break again.”

a doctor came and removed my bandage and by 11:10am i was ready to go home.

i said goodbye to the lady who was born in 1928.

im home

currently, the only movement deficit that i experience is my right thumb. i cannot maneuver it to do a thumbs-up but they think it’s because of the anaesthesia. we’ll see tomorrow if it gets better. i have a vague feeling of wanting to vomit.

they only removed maybe 20% or less than what used to be in there. screws were broken in an attempt to haul them out. the surgery took longer than expected.

my doctor in Malaysia was right, he told me that the metal things should be removed within a year of installation…it’s been almost 21 months. the doctors here in Germany claimed that it wasn’t healed yet last year when i went.

well well, i am then a humanoid for life. 😛

my pledge to donate

for a summary, please see my tweet(s) 

i will not discuss anything about racism in this post.

 my pledge is to donate at least an amount of money the same as my age every year to a worthy cause.

before anyone comes to me with the “well not everyone has that kind of extra cash as you!”, here is the maths.

i am currently 23 years old. next year i will be 24, so let’s take that as an example since the numbers would be round and beautiful.

24 divided by twelve months is just 2 a month. or 0.50 a week.

(please note that i omitted currency symbols since everyone uses a different currency. you may donate 24JPY (about 0.24€ or 0.22$) as you please.)

most of my peers are already working, and i doubt that it’s that hard to save 0.50 of something per week. even for students, it is doable.

for every new year, the amount that you need to save per month is increased by 1 divided by 12 which is about 0.083 per month. it takes a full 12 years for you to have to save an extra one something per month. and don’t tell me your earning capacity will not increase after 12 years. (ok maybe you would actually tell me that and i am sorry)

even if you are 96 years old, you only have to donate 2 per week, 8 per month. well sorry to assume that everyone would have a wealthy retired life but these are just examples. you could of course pay forward during your more able years.

why donate?

unless your job exclusively focuses on making certain minorities’ lives better or if you volunteer, all talk is not helping in any way. what we can do is offer our time and energy (that does not include being angry on social medias), or something more substantial, like money or other material goods.

for those who don’t have the time and/or energy to help, money would be more practical since it’s hard to know what needs there are.

does everyone have to donate?

no. only do what you can within your capacity.

do i have to tell everyone that i donated?

no, it’s up to you. i can’t find the quote but basically, don’t do something just to tell people about it. be sincere. i posted because i am comfortable about it.

what other worthy causes are there?

tbh, i only know a few mainstreams one, like for refugees, LGBTQA+, climate change movements, orphanages, etc. ok climate change is not a person but you get it.

How to DIY your own sauna without spending a lot of money

i will slowly migrate all of my published stories on Medium to here. well, there are not a lot anyway.

originally posted on Medium; slightly edited for readability .

1. Make sure you are at Malaysia or somewhere near here; the trick is to get as close as possible to the Equator.
2. Park your car in the morning somewhere without shade, leave it there for at least two hours.
3. Go back to your car at sometime between 2pm-4pm.
4. Sit inside and do not start the engine. Also, wear long sleeves because you don’t want to get sunburnt and also for better results.
5. Don’t die of heat exhaustion.

Studies have shown that sauna-ing is very healthy and I have done a search online to know how often you should carry out this wonderful activity.

Very Important Disclaimer (VID) I: Please consult your doctor or general practitioner before trying this.

VID II: Kwan Wei Yen does not endorse this and if you die…oops sorry but you could only blame yourself for not reading VID I.

VID III: The above method would not work if it’s raining.

medical advices are so confusing

or maybe it’s just in Germany. or maybe because i’ve only needed help here in Germany. but wow.


physiotherapist: go to your doctor and get referrals to come here again

me: i want to go to physiotherapy again

doctor: nope you’re going to an orthopaedic cos you shouldn’t need physiotherapy anymore

psychologist or counsellor lol idek who cos the mental health industry in Germany is even more confusing: you need to go to psychotherapy

me: i want to go to psychotherapy

doctor: nope you need a psychiatrist

at this point i’m not even sure if i have that many problems. but if anyone was asking, my university life is going great.

(kinda) done with the second semester

academics-wise, i’m officially done with semester 2, three days earlier than expected because some bad decisions in the past weeks led me to unregister from the last exam due to lack of preparation. and i don’t want to just “try to pass” in a subject that would be important to me in the future.

now for some reflections.

the semester started shaky as i further try to navigate the life as a student and trying to recover from a horrible first semester. i made plans. i was executing them. things were going good. and then of course, life would come fuck you up. i broke my dominant arm and a knee ligament, while playing badminton indoors. things pretty much just went downhill after that. although i was just physically incapable to go to classes for 1.5 weeks, the mental aftermath that i had to endure afterwards rendered me useless for more than half of the semester. i had to learn to use my left hand, which has gotten smarter but also still dumb at times; i still eat solely with my left hand but do most other things with my right hand, though it tires easily. i couldn’t go to classes because of the mental distress and i hated writing with my left hand after a while. i was betrayed and backstabbed badly while in the midst of this mess. i thought i couldn’t trust anyone anymore(not true), and i wouldn’t talk to my family (my poor poor dad). i literally faced all kinds of problems that a human could possibly face in a lifetime, other than financially, all at the same time. who wouldn’t slip into a depression like that? my routine started including going to physiotherapy, regular checkups at the hospital, going to the doctors, counselling, and group therapies. officially, i am engaged actively at two institutions for my physical health, and four institutions to maintain my sanity (i still went berserk sometimes, sorry for people who had to deal with it), and i went to my general practitioner often enough to realise that the first one sucked so i started going to a second one. this was rock bottom.

thus i started a battle with depression and anxiety. i still wouldn’t say that i conquered it but at least it has gotten better cos everything seems to be okay again. it begun with me starting a job at a university institute as a student assistant and in the same week i won a scholarship (that’s why i don’t have a financial problem xD). i really am happy at the job, it’s great to feel appreciated when you put in effort to do something. though i did (unsurprisingly) fail the first exam in the semester, the others that i sat for seemed to go quite well. and it really boosted my self-confidence.

there are of course some other things that happened that im still not comfortable to discuss in the open. what i really want to say is, i really am grateful for the people who stuck around and who believed in me (even when i was having serious doubts about myself) and gave me all the support to help me go through this. i now know who my true friends are, it’s still hard for me to cut off the toxic ones but for the sake of those of you who really care about me, i will.  shoutout to the all of you, mostly people who have known me for less than a year and people who might not understand me and my actions all the time because of cultural differences or otherwise but still chose to stay in my life. not to say that i don’t appreciate my old friends back at home and people in other parts of the world whom ive known longer, but we aren’t in the vicinity of each other and i now realise that it does make a difference. i still love you all, that’s for sure.

and i love all of you and i will try my best to regain full health (physically, mentally, and emotionally) as soon as possible and be the best person i could possibly be. i hope that you would still be there.

one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous

In 4 days I’ve managed to do some very dumb (but luckily pretty minor) things that could demonstrate my skills in being so clumsy that one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous.

  • So I’ve cut fingers with a knife twice in two months now, that makes it an average of once per month. It’s not a very shallow cut and some flesh is missing and there was an amount of blood but ya im still alive. Handicap-level was quite high though I cut my left hand cos I could barely shower and do dishes without feeling pain and coincidentally i was smart enough to host parties at my place so i had to make my guests wash the plates, #BestHostEver .


  • I choked while showering. Don’t ask me how.
  • I sprained my ankle very badly this morning cos i wanted to wake up to kill the alarm clock but somehow i twisted my ankle. While being half conscious. I think it was because my legs were numb beforehand so my leg isn’t correctly aligned? And I panicked because of that annoying alarm so boom, I’m jumping around my house on my other good foot. Handicap level is mega high cos i can barely move without feeling pain at the swollen fat ankle.

First update came just two days after i published the original. i really am gonna kill myself soon am i? It’s Thursday and I haven’t left my residence since Monday night because of the sprained ankle. However, I’m feeling a lot of love from my friends; neighbours helping me buy stuff from the city and checking on me, friends coming over to study with me and accompanying me, and generally a lot of kind messages and tips on healing my ankle.  Life is great. Okay not really cos there’s snow outside and i really wanna have a real snowball fight but i can barely run.

  • the reason why i’ve been reluctant to leave my home is because i’d have to put on shoes cos it’s cold outside (at home in Malaysia it’s perfectly fine with slippers) but my classmate and i saw people building a snowwoman (we know it’s a woman because she has long hair. sorry i don’t have a picture) so i had to go out. In slippers.  My extremities were so frozen that it hurt for a long while even when I got into the warmness of my house. so yeah. DUMB. But also, because of the freezing cold, i walked more normally in the snow cos my feet were numb.

 i broke an arm and a knee ligament playing badminton indoors



This post will be updated as I gather more convincing proofs that one day i would have a tearless funeral.

“It’s my birthday”

At the supermarket yesterday, while we were loading the things to the belt, the cashier was just looking at us and not scanning any of the products and smiling weirdly, then i realised that alcohol was the first thing in line so i quickly went over and said:
“oh hi do you need to see my ID? Here is my passport” (yes i am well prepared)
and she’s like: (while smiling tenderly)
“it’s fine, these aren’t liquors and you are allowed to buy these when you’re 16 and i think you look older than 16 but liquors are allowed when you are 18
*and then she saw that there was indeed liquor behind*
*so she paused and studied my face again*
hmm okay…errrr..i guess you are 20?? so that’s also okay, you can purchase them”
Then I said: “er well it’s my birthday today and i’m actually 22 now”

I bumped into a friend on the street.

She: ohhh happy new year to you too!!!…and merry christmas!
Me: haha thank you! It’s my birthday too today.
She: ahhhh and happy birthday then!
That’s how you kill three birds with one stone.

The question is: is it weird going around to say that??

Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22!!!!!