(kinda) done with the second semester

academics-wise, i’m officially done with semester 2, three days earlier than expected because some bad decisions in the past weeks led me to unregister from the last exam due to lack of preparation. and i don’t want to just “try to pass” in a subject that would be important to me in the future.

now for some reflections.

the semester started shaky as i further try to navigate the life as a student and trying to recover from a horrible first semester. i made plans. i was executing them. things were going good. and then of course, life would come fuck you up. i broke my dominant arm and a knee ligament, while playing badminton indoors. things pretty much just went downhill after that. although i was just physically incapable to go to classes for 1.5 weeks, the mental aftermath that i had to endure afterwards rendered me useless for more than half of the semester. i had to learn to use my left hand, which has gotten smarter but also still dumb at times; i still eat solely with my left hand but do most other things with my right hand, though it tires easily. i couldn’t go to classes because of the mental distress and i hated writing with my left hand after a while. i was betrayed and backstabbed badly while in the midst of this mess. i thought i couldn’t trust anyone anymore(not true), and i wouldn’t talk to my family (my poor poor dad). i literally faced all kinds of problems that a human could possibly face in a lifetime, other than financially, all at the same time. who wouldn’t slip into a depression like that? my routine started including going to physiotherapy, regular checkups at the hospital, going to the doctors, counselling, and group therapies. officially, i am engaged actively at two institutions for my physical health, and four institutions to maintain my sanity (i still went berserk sometimes, sorry for people who had to deal with it), and i went to my general practitioner often enough to realise that the first one sucked so i started going to a second one. this was rock bottom.

thus i started a battle with depression and anxiety. i still wouldn’t say that i conquered it but at least it has gotten better cos everything seems to be okay again. it begun with me starting a job at a university institute as a student assistant and in the same week i won a scholarship (that’s why i don’t have a financial problem xD). i really am happy at the job, it’s great to feel appreciated when you put in effort to do something. though i did (unsurprisingly) fail the first exam in the semester, the others that i sat for seemed to go quite well. and it really boosted my self-confidence.

there are of course some other things that happened that im still not comfortable to discuss in the open. what i really want to say is, i really am grateful for the people who stuck around and who believed in me (even when i was having serious doubts about myself) and gave me all the support to help me go through this. i now know who my true friends are, it’s still hard for me to cut off the toxic ones but for the sake of those of you who really care about me, i will.  shoutout to the all of you, mostly people who have known me for less than a year and people who might not understand me and my actions all the time because of cultural differences or otherwise but still chose to stay in my life. not to say that i don’t appreciate my old friends back at home and people in other parts of the world whom ive known longer, but we aren’t in the vicinity of each other and i now realise that it does make a difference. i still love you all, that’s for sure.

and i love all of you and i will try my best to regain full health (physically, mentally, and emotionally) as soon as possible and be the best person i could possibly be. i hope that you would still be there.

Mental Disability vs Physical Disability

raw thoughts on this topic. feeling slightly better after almost-breakdowns today. hoping for a better tomorrow.


i loved writing. not just text producing, but actual writing by hand. there’s just something very soothing about transferring ink from pen and graphite from pencil to paper (i prefer the latter). i don’t have the best penmanship, there’s nothing unique about it other than it being very tiny at times; at least i don’t write cursive, but that’s for another day. anyway, that’s why i like to write cards; i really like practising the craft.

i am right-handed and i broke my right arm. the hand has been immobile since because of the splint. i am currently physically-disabled. so i have to learn to use my left hand in activities like brushing my teeth, using chopsticks, and writing. i’ve been practicing to write since day 2 and maybe i’ve made good progress cos people said things like “wow you write real good, it’s legible”; i think they’re too kind. i started out optimistic because this is an opportunity to train to be ambidextrous. but it didn’t escalate that quickly.

i stopped playing badminton intensively after my favourite player retired early because her knee ligament was torn and she could not regain her level of play. now i know what it’s like to have a torn knee ligament: it’s hard to straighten the leg and i couldn’t bend the leg completely. i go out with a crutch. i get offered seats. passersby give me pitiful glances.


i also suffer now and then from panic attacks and have experienced what it feels like to be depressed and i had mild suicidal thoughts before. ya, deep down i’m kinda screwed up. i know exactly when did i fall into this dark hole and though i know what’s it like outside the hole and how to crawl out of it, i’m still stuck inside. it’s worse now cos the stronger half of my limbs aren’t functioning. i guess i’ll stay here for a little while longer.

back to the question i posed on Instagram:

not surprisingly, most people think that a mental disability sucks more than a physical one. i would think so too, if i weren’t so handicapped now. as someone who has been affected in both ways to the point where i ceased to function as a normal human being, i think i am quite qualified to answer this.

i’ve been pondering upon this for a few weeks now. to me the question boiled down to something like:

what is worse? theoretically being able to do something but for some reason not do it or being theoretically unable to do something and thus not do it?

gotta thank French for this epiphany; merci for the existence of pouvoir and savoir.

i decided that it’s worse to be unable to do things because you simply cannot.


do you know how depressing it is:

to concentrate real hard on writing and it still happens slowly and comes out ugly?

to loathe writing when a long sentence is encountered? this is an understatement because after 3 weeks, i am officially avoiding writing. because i’m that incompetent.

to look at the mess at home and not being able to tidy it up as i wanted to?

to require assistance in basic tasks? i’m a burden to the people around me.

to despise walking?

to not be able to shower properly? i’m a dirtbag.

to realise that, without help, i couldn’t survive? what is self-sufficiency; seems like a million light years away.


however i must say that it’s definitely easier to recover from physical illnesses because of medical advances and people can actually help with it (surgeries, care, etc). although there are also drugs for mental illnesses (i’m never administered any btw), in the end the patient is the only one who could help themselves, no external interference will be extremely helpful.

take care, everybody. life is too short to be disabled.

turning through

This feeling of uncalmness,

i-don’t-feel-like-myself-ness;

is threatening to demolish my fortress,

the one of self-dependent toughness.

 

Negativity-spreading is my new big thing,

perhaps i need a new fling;

no, really it’s not good timing,

can’t risk what it may bring.

 

Stop, please stop,

i think i’m gonna pop,

what’s it like at the top,

do i still have a shot

 

I am so filled with ruth,

i need help is the truth,

but to look for people who could soothe,

i’m not sure if it’s a good move.

 

I thought i’ve became stronger,

much less vulnerable,

yet in fact i am still incapable

to bear the fruit of my labour.

Saturday. Puchong. Dark.

an exhausting week has passed

READ

my obsession with rhythmic gymnastics is full blown again. crushed that the World Championships wouldn’t be broadcasted live on TV but thankfully there are other ways to follow the championships

ahhhh so hanja in Korean is just like kanji in Japanese

an interactive article about the thin border that divides North Korea and South Korea. i have a better understanding of the geography too

the North Korean Standard Language. notice how both countries decided to call that language. i find it funny 

“Instanovels” sounds genius

about assholes. wow. just wow.

how often you should poop 

 

WATCHED

a girl who claimed that a switch of personality took place when this was taken

Anna Kendrick on the Ellen Show again