about dreams

today is my mom’s seventh death anniversary. she succumbed to cancer after three years of battling it. i post a tribute every year. i decided to repost here because at least here WordPress respects the spacings i used to format my text. 


 

recently, i dreamt a lot. some of them are very weird but some of them didn’t stray too far from reality…which is sometimes confusing. 

and some felt very real.

in the past year, i probably dreamt of my mom more than in all the previous years combined. maybe because i needed a mom more than ever. what would she do when she found out that her daughter broke an arm through a sport that she used to drive me to play? what would she say to me during this pandemic? would i even be in Germany if she was there? 

well i didn’t dream of anything like that. what i dreamt was us on trips, sometimes with the rest of the family. once we were at a theme park (i think) and once we were at a safari. the others i don’t remember. once my mom was quarrelling with my dad (no they didn’t do this often in real life) and i was just being quiet there like how a kid does. it felt very normal. it felt very real. 

then i woke up. 

it always takes a few moments for me to recalibrate and for me to realise: “oh, my mom is not alive anymore. it was just a dream. she’s not here and she’s not there.” 

and this keeps happening. it sucks to feel the void when i‘m conscious but how could i mind? 

all i need to do is go to sleep early. 

#sevenyears 

watermelon

a writing challenge with a friend. procrastinated for two months and finally wrote it while being layover in Istanbul without WiFi. 


Once upon a time, there was a Melon Water. Mr Water was born in South Africa and grew up in one of the most affluent families there. The Waters was the biggest exporter of watermelons in South Africa and Melon was the only heir to the family business. However, like every story worth writing about, Melon didn’t care about melons, maybe because his name reminded him too much of it. 

He grew to especially despise watermelons because he was always selected to represent his class in the school’s annual watermelon-eating competition. The year he won, he was accused of eating his own kind and got laughed at. The years he lost, he was mocked at for losing to normal humans and got laughed at. Sometimes when the family had a vacation at a country where the last name is stated before the first name, there would be muffled laughs as he crossed custom controls. His family’s financial wealth clearly didn’t guarantee Melon Water a great social status, therefore as he grew older, the more he found that money was useless and he became a very known squanderer. Oh wells, his family had the means to let him do whatever he wanted, since money was technically a renewable resource to them, since it’s so easy to grow watermelons. 

As he approached adulthood, Melon Water’s parents started urging him to study business administration at a university so that he could prepare to take over the watermelon empire his great great great granddad built. Melon refused to. Then his parents threatened to cut his financial aids. Then Melon complied reluctantly. 

On the first day of university, Melon fell in love at the first sight with a girl who only wished to identify herself as Ms Sugar. Afraid that he would leave a bad first impression with his real full name, he decided to call himself Mr Water. Sugar didn’t see a problem. And so Water and Sugar started seeing each other. Sugar was a damned good student and to impress her, Melon started studying very hard too in the name of love. They were the two best students in the degree course. Papa Water and Mama Water were really pleased and recruited Ms Sugar into their company too after their graduation. Melon and Ms Sugar worked surprisingly well together and even grew the business too include growing and selling berries. 

Soon, it’s time to talk about marriage. Ms Sugar whelped and said yes. The thing was, Melon still addressed his soon-to-be wife as “Ms Sugar” or sometimes more affectionately,  “Su”. They both decided that, while registering for their marriage at the city council, they would both come out to each other with their first names. Both were no longer worried that the other would ridicule them. 

The day has finally arrived and as they both glanced at the marriage certificate, they burst into laughter. On the paper, it stated “Husband: Mr Melon Water; Wife: Ms Watermelon Sugar”. 

Watermelon’s parents were young and dumb and were addicted to the Harry Style’s song when she was born and somehow decided that it was a name that makes sense. Their first names gave them even more the reason to connect with each other and they lived happily ever after. 

turning through

This feeling of uncalmness,

i-don’t-feel-like-myself-ness;

is threatening to demolish my fortress,

the one of self-dependent toughness.

 

Negativity-spreading is my new big thing,

perhaps i need a new fling;

no, really it’s not good timing,

can’t risk what it may bring.

 

Stop, please stop,

i think i’m gonna pop,

what’s it like at the top,

do i still have a shot

 

I am so filled with ruth,

i need help is the truth,

but to look for people who could soothe,

i’m not sure if it’s a good move.

 

I thought i’ve became stronger,

much less vulnerable,

yet in fact i am still incapable

to bear the fruit of my labour.

A love letter by an alien, to an alien

originally published on a blog i tried to keep  and with a few minor edits


 

Hi you,

We met last week in school, you were training to use laser guns and you accidentally shot one of my ears off. It grew back, no worries.

I…have a confession to make.

Even with my cuboid dysfunctional brain, I could conclude that, I love you.

Your eyes, one at the front, one at the back, one on the left, another on the right, are so perfectly placed I fell in love with it.
Your nose, so tiny and barely visible yet I could see it through my magnifiable vision. It is cute, I would like to pinch it (sadly, I was born with claws and don’t worry I will not hurt you with it).
Your ears, so beautiful. I remember seeing it in the Earthling Biological Science textbook, you have ears like the Earth creature called, voila, elephant. It is so beautiful.
Your mouth, perfectly round yet so cute. I would like to kiss that very much, I truthfully wish that you would give me the chance to do so even if my lips are a perfect square.

I love your everything.

Your smile, although your lips are still a circle when you smile, but I can tell it when you smile, I swear. It is always heartmelting.
Your attitude, hot and cold, polite and rude; you are always different at times. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that you have disociative identity disorder or that you’re bipolar. I just love the way you are.
Your skin color, pink and green checkered boxes, matches my turquoise and orange stripes. See, we were bornt to be together.
You’re running around in my head and taking my precious time; I think of you everyday, every minute, every second, every millisecond, every nanosecond, even every picosecond.
The way you walk, so graceful, leaving a slippery trail and the sweet smell of you. I just don’t understand why do other people hate that smell and slime. I just know that I love you.

I promise you, I would make you the happiest being in the Universe.
I would hold you until whenever.
I would never let go
I would love you.

Even with my cuboid dysfunctional and lovedrunk brain, I could conclude that, I love you.

Would you consider giving me a chance, pretty pretty please?

True love,
Me.

Hollowness

I bought a book,

A book of lists,

Lists to make,

For the future.


Like:

What would you

Have achieved

In 5 years?

Like:

What strange spot

Would you have

Slept over?

Like:

Which of friends

Do you think

Would still be there?


I thought that

It’d be easy;

I’m the easiest

To be fooled.


I think not,

That I’m lost

For ideas,

I have a lot.


Alas I’m

Just a girl

Who feels just

Like a human.