sunday. rainy. Aachen. the new semester starts tomorrow!

and im not done with exams…but am i ready for my comeback semester? yes…? whatt?? YESSSSSS!!! oh and my cousin got married today! couldn’t attend because im stuck here because of the pandemic 😦

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everyone will develop some form of mental disorder in the courses of their lives. EVERYONE. can’t believe that people needed to run a huge-scale research to prove that….

here is a little song:

what on earth have i been doing in the past month

in short: not much


the main highlight is the exam season and i just bloody realised that im not even halfway through my exams!!! what on earth!!!! it’s been forever!!!! and my grades aren’t even that excellent…i can totally understand people who drop out…it literally feels like a waste of time. [to my friends who are worried that i might do just that : fret not, im asian and some part of me still want to feel the pride associated with a piece of hopefully recycled paper]

i used the Chinese New Year and exams as excuses to eat a lot of Chinese takeout and meat so i gained a substantial amount of weight which is why im annoyed. another side effect of this is my diminishing wallet. but i was happy as hell!

my thumb is still broken and my surgery wound is for some reason a little infected??? after two months??????? tending to it has been annoying (by tending i mean ignoring it, which is harder to do than you think). i went for my first run this year and since the surgery last week, which was invigorating and at the same time breathless. it is winter part 5 or 6 now here in Germany so im a little frustrated that i cannot go out and run and “wiggle*” the my extra weight away. [*quoting this directly from a data analysis & visualisation slide; please see below]

i started using a shampoo bar and mmmmmm for someone who is basically trash i think im doing a great job in reducing waste.

one more very important thing is the improvement of my mental health. my psychotherapist is amazing mannnnn! (i differentiate between a psychotherapist and physiotherapist because it wouldn’t be long till i have both in my life again)

i haven’t been reading as much as i wanted to so in some way, i feel like a stupider person. i have been however watching shows “to relax after a tense day of studying(cramming- because i didn’t do shit during the semester)” which is obviously just another excuse to not grow my mind in a more productive way during my free time…not proud of it but im chronically lazy person so yes, i will accept this personality flaw without question (cos that takes effort).

i have ideas for some EXCITING side projects to do in the near future…but first i need to. get. through. exam. anxiety. im combatting it by writing way more exams than i used to. i think im currently slated for more exams in this one semester than the last two combined … someone is trying to sprint to the finish line 8)

my brain was kinda swimming in keyboard vomit and i think i should just let it out so here it is…STAY ALIVE!!!!

wednesday. the last day of summer this winter

because the temperature will take a dip again starting tomorrow, not a huge dip though thankfully. i think i fixed my sleep. have been having very severe and groundless insomnia in the past two weeks. im ready to be human again. i ought to be studying. i OUGHT to.

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that tiny icon beside every website you see? it could be used to track your movements online. crazy to think that i could use my awkward web logo to stalk. he he.

how to be angry. as someone who has been sabotaged by her own temper several times in life now, i find this insightful and perhaps helpful even.

i admit that im slightly still obsessed with the idea of death penalty and Aileen Wuornos’ life and read a former inmate’s (not her) account of what life is like on death row in the USA.

SKIMMED

50 “great” “classic” novels under 200 pages. i will have to come back to this list on one of these days…

Valentine’s Day. winter is finally ending (i hope)

my first exam is in five days. im writing 95% of the time with my right hand now and the thumb is still a nuisance but not as big as it used to be.

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i didn’t know what bucatini pasta is, but now i wanna taste them too. and i want those from De Cecco.

all BREAKING NEWS we see are just results of feedback loops eh

it claims to be Valentine’s Day tips from astronauts. more like survival tips from people who have been in extreme conditions of isolation — for people in lockdowns like us

more tips on how to maintain a healthy mind in this pandemic. most are pretty straightforward things

Angelina — a film (?)/ documentary of an Italian granny. really like the cinematography

saturday night/sunday. it’s gonna be winter part 3 in Aachen…

so i haven’t got my laptop back and my right hand still feels weird and my thumb ain’t really working. the exam season is coming soon! oh and CNY!

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uhhh so Emily In Paris got a nomination. what the fuck. even their own writer is suprised. this is a dark moment for Hollywood

toilets of famous world leaders. really weird and random that i saw this article

someone who has more than 50 million euros in bitcoin refuses to reveal his password and thus no one has access to the money now. this is the cryptocurrency paradox

ive only recently heard of the name Scott Alexander while stumbling upon a website and my first post from him is his resuscitation. how interesting

wednesday. sunny. is winter taking a break in Aachen?

it would be pretty warm in the coming handful of days. “warm” in the winter sense as we were attacked by minus degrees last week but it might be up to double digit warm in a bit. ive been reading books and due to not having a laptop, been pretty lazy to post what ive consumed. i hope i get it back soon.

note: ive been reading Aileen Wuornos’ letters to her best friend and i must admit that some of my writing style might be temporarily influenced by her. Lee, i hope you don’t mind and yes, someone is even “stealing” your style. chuckle chuckle!

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“the Brazil variant”. fucking hell i thought there was another coronavirus mutation. clickbait. can’t believe it from The Atlantic

i finished How To: … by Randall Munroe. fun read. i read this and about Aileen Wuornos’ grim life interchangbly so i could sleep easier at night… America be fucking up my sleep for the past weeks with their unjust treatment/execution of women. ok exams are coming up, gotta buckle up

my computer’s damaged. my right arm too. (temporarily)

i had a surgery three days ago and the days before were plagued with homemaking activities so i barely had time for myself nor uni. (the #100DaysOf challenges is failing badly)

sad to say that neither my home nor my right arm looks brand new. im trying to figure out if all this bad luck recently is the result of past karma or im paying stuff forward….

i am however feeling hopeful to regain most of my arm’s functionalities within a week though my thumb is currently not that mobile. im showering later today so that is something to look forward to!

i spent my week reading a lot about Aileen Wuornos and got her second autobiography. emotionally im also feeling a little horrible about my old roommate at the hospital.

my first exam is in less than three weeks. let’s goooooooooooo

Uniklinik Aachen part 2

where is part 1 you ask? well who needs that when you can right away get part 2.

this is my first time typing with one hand (left) and on a tablet and in the hospital.

an anaesthesia doctor is currently talking to the 92 year old “roommate” of mine of a night. im leaving in a few hours and she’s having another operation.


im discharged and at home alone as i continue writing. i can also type with my right hand now though less efficient so the left hand is dominating. my total duration of stay at the hospital amounted to less than 24 hours. a friend accompanied me to another friend’s car. it was raining and i coudn’t properly wear my winter jacket

TIMELINE (vaguely as i remember it)

27/01/21

13:20 arrived at the hospital and then “checked-in” to my room. this procedure is different than the last time, presumably due to corona

15:00 my friend left

16:28 i was pushed out of the room; had to leave my phone, glasses and everything in the room

16:35 arrived at the observation room. a doctor there seemed confused and said that he had no idea. lollllll. i was left there alone with my thoughts but i could see the clock. a lot of people in scrubs passed by me, some looked over me, some completely ignored me, some left with bags. at one point i thought everyone’s leaving so i asked the Had-No-Idea doctor if the surgery was still on. he said yes of course

17:20ish a female doctor who just pushed a patient bed in introduced herself as the anaesthesia doctor and that she would be with me shortly

around 17:30 i had to slide to the “table”, i didn’t know that’s what they call the “bed” that patients are on while being operated. for safety reasons a belt was secured around my knee area. this reminded me a little of the execution chair that they use in America to administer the lethal injection. the anesthesia doctor cheerfully told me that i made a great decision with the partial anaethesia; i would be awake the entire time but she could chat with me

17:35 finally at the operation theatre! i think i saw a total of 10 or more different medical personnel. the anaesthesic team realise that they would have to call in an “expert” cos they would have to turn my entire arm numb ( i think they thought it was just the lower arm)

i no longer could see a clock so ive no idea now

they set up tables or something like that for me to stretch both my arms on each side. now this REALLY reminded of the execution chair cos they were also poking on both ends. the cheerful-anaesthesia-doctor tried to distract me as her newbie assistant tried to insert a needle on my left hand. also worth mentioning is that, at this point i have been fasting, not even having a drop of water, for about 18 hours now. i guess my veins were not very visible. well it hurt like hell as the cheerful doctor was distracting me by making small talk. i said i learnt German in Freiburg and she replied with “ich lieeeeeeeeebe Freiburg!” followed by me squirming in pain. then she took over and finally the easy part is over. this entire time, a motherlike-doctor was cupping my face, this doctor would hold my hand for a few times. seriously, very motherlike. i ended up with three holes on my left hand

next, the expert-anaesthesia doctor was there and he guided the cheerful-doctor using a device that allowed them to see the capillaries and shits like that in my body. another doctor/nurse was beside on standby to release the anaesthesic liquids and i could feel my muscle contract and that caused me to jerk. (i think people being executed sense something similar but much stronger and it happens all over their body) they repeated the process a few times and at another location then it was time to wait for it to work

later, two doctors rubbed my entire right arm in red alcohol. (i was already asleep during the last surgery so it was eye-opening to see them doing it live). some doctors made sure i was warm enough and securely strapped on the table (including the motherlike doctor, of ourse). after that, they told me that they will build a “tent” to maintain a sterilised environment during the surgery. in this “tent” lied only my right arm. i could not see a thing so i was a little disappointed cos i honestly thought that i would be able to watch them doing the surgery.

after all of this was done, they started the protocol, like calling a meeting (something i missed the last time too). very interesting.

finally, it was time to test the anaesthesia. someone pinched me and asked if i felt that. yes. it hurt a lot. and then they were like: “hmm should we have a full anaesthesia?” then the anaesthesia team suggested that we all wait for another five minutes. but like 30 seconds later they directly cut on my skin which hurt so much my entire body jumped forward (now i know what the safety belt is for) and the surgery team called out: “nope it’s not working.” the reply was “well we said to wait for 5 minutes, not 30 seconds, if you can’t wait, then let’s just do the full anaesthesia.”

after getting my approval, i was then unconscious and they did their thing. i think it might be 18:30 when they finally started.

20:20 i was awake as they pushed me into the observation room. they mentioned that i regained some consciousness as they were sewing the wound. i was in pain so they gave me liquid painkillers. i also noticed that my right arm was numb so that proved that the partial anesthesia could’ve sufficed.

a nurse was tending to me and asked me where im from. then she said that she was there before too. i showed her my tattoo. at this point i was kinda groggy and upset cos they didn’t save the metal plate that they removed. at one point she told me that it was already 21:15 and i remember thinking: wow time flies down here.

finally got back to my room at around 21:30 and got my phone and informed my dad, my partner, and some friends. then Instagram.

as i could walk (something that i couldn’t do well the last time), i even used the toilet without help. but i needed help because i was on my period….ugkkk so much blood loss. i felt like throwing up and they told me it’s because of the anaesthesia; i practically had too much of it. i requested food though they dripped glucose into me before this. and i ate it at about 11pm, with the help of a nurse smearing margarine and jam on two slices of bread. the hospital doesn’t serve vegan meals and it came with a yoghurt. i happily ate the plain yoghurt cos i haven’t had dairy products for about two weeks now (it’s not a very long time but still). this morning i had cheese and quark for breakfast hahahahaha. what is Veganuary hahahahaha

28/01/21

the lady beside me couldn’t sleep and we made some small talk and tried to sleep. i was awake once at around 3am. then again at 5am because a nurse came in who barked “junge Frau! haben Sie nach der OP Pipi gemacht?” (young lady! have you urinated after your surgery?) then again at about 7am cos they were doing their rounds.

a 10-doctor team came to greet us (my roommate and me). their first words to me were “you have extremely hard bones hmm. i heard that they struggled a lot to try to remove everything.” to which i replied: “well that’s great to know, so it wouldn’t break again.”

a doctor came and removed my bandage and by 11:10am i was ready to go home.

i said goodbye to the lady who was born in 1928.

11:48
im home


currently, the only movement deficit that i experience is my right thumb. i cannot maneuver it to do a thumbs-up but they think it’s because of the anaesthesia. we’ll see tomorrow if it gets better. i have a vague feeling of wanting to vomit.

they only removed maybe 20% or less than what used to be in there. screws were broken in an attempt to haul them out. the surgery took longer than expected.

my doctor in Malaysia was right, he told me that the metal things should be removed within a year of installation…it’s been almost 21 months. the doctors here in Germany claimed that it wasn’t healed yet last year when i went.

well well, i am then a humanoid for life. 😛