tl;dr: i was rather fearless, but now am quite fearful.

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i have never really feared the pain of needles —— i think i took all of the compulsory vaccine shots at school bravely without whining. i also have several tattoos and getting a tattoo is basically being pricked countless times by a needle. i never even flinched.

do you know that, when you are immobile after a surgery, injections are needed to prevent blood-clotting? the first time (2019) it happened, i made my friends do the dirty deed for me and i couldn’t even look at it. the second time (2021), i started injecting myself, which was not so awful actually. so naturally, now (2025), the third time, i should remain independent, right? yes, i still inserted the sharp point into my bloodstream myself, daily for twelve days. but every day when the time came, i dreaded it and slowly developed an anxiety whenever i had to do it. and this is a very strange phenomenon in my opinion, because i should be “well-trained” by now since i know exactly what to expect.

it’s not just that; i thought that my pain tolerance is at cloud level. yet this voluntary handicap experience introduced a new concept to me:

i don't want to be hurt again.

i don’t want to go through any of this anymore; and yes, i thought i would not mind breaking another bone or so… heck, i even constantly joke about how my left arm is the only unharmed limb left. i used to wear these scars like badges of honour, truly believing that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. unfortunately, that is not true. i now have to go to sports with a bunch of disclaimers for the trainers, not because i want them to go easy on me or sympathy, but because of irreversible physical limitations… and i hate it. instead of feeling strong for surviving these, i am inherently weak.

even so, it could also just be an age issue where my body cannot recover as well as it could. maybe. maybe i am just getting old and finally understand why i should not batter myself. ironically though, i am addicted to the drugs from physically exerting myself; most of the time, i walk into a session thinking “i want to feel pain later/tomorrow.”

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i will protect myself better from now on. hopefully i stay intact till the end.