it’s a week of break for us but im just tired all the time and physically pretty unwell
raw thoughts on this topic. feeling slightly better after almost-breakdowns today. hoping for a better tomorrow.
i loved writing. not just text producing, but actual writing by hand. there’s just something very soothing about transferring ink from pen and graphite from pencil to paper (i prefer the latter). i don’t have the best penmanship, there’s nothing unique about it other than it being very tiny at times; at least i don’t write cursive, but that’s for another day. anyway, that’s why i like to write cards; i really like practising the craft.
i am right-handed and i broke my right arm. the hand has been immobile since because of the splint. i am currently physically-disabled. so i have to learn to use my left hand in activities like brushing my teeth, using chopsticks, and writing. i’ve been practicing to write since day 2 and maybe i’ve made good progress cos people said things like “wow you write real good, it’s legible”; i think they’re too kind. i started out optimistic because this is an opportunity to train to be ambidextrous. but it didn’t escalate that quickly.
i stopped playing badminton intensively after my favourite player retired early because her knee ligament was torn and she could not regain her level of play. now i know what it’s like to have a torn knee ligament: it’s hard to straighten the leg and i couldn’t bend the leg completely. i go out with a crutch. i get offered seats. passersby give me pitiful glances.
i also suffer now and then from panic attacks and have experienced what it feels like to be depressed and i had mild suicidal thoughts before. ya, deep down i’m kinda screwed up. i know exactly when did i fall into this dark hole and though i know what’s it like outside the hole and how to crawl out of it, i’m still stuck inside. it’s worse now cos the stronger half of my limbs aren’t functioning. i guess i’ll stay here for a little while longer.
back to the question i posed on Instagram:
not surprisingly, most people think that a mental disability sucks more than a physical one. i would think so too, if i weren’t so handicapped now. as someone who has been affected in both ways to the point where i ceased to function as a normal human being, i think i am quite qualified to answer this.
i’ve been pondering upon this for a few weeks now. to me the question boiled down to something like:
what is worse? theoretically being able to do something but for some reason not do it or being theoretically unable to do something and thus not do it?
gotta thank French for this epiphany; merci for the existence of pouvoir and savoir.
i decided that it’s worse to be unable to do things because you simply cannot.
do you know how depressing it is:
to concentrate real hard on writing and it still happens slowly and comes out ugly?
to loathe writing when a long sentence is encountered? this is an understatement because after 3 weeks, i am officially avoiding writing. because i’m that incompetent.
to look at the mess at home and not being able to tidy it up as i wanted to?
to require assistance in basic tasks? i’m a burden to the people around me.
to despise walking?
to not be able to shower properly? i’m a dirtbag.
to realise that, without help, i couldn’t survive? what is self-sufficiency; seems like a million light years away.
however i must say that it’s definitely easier to recover from physical illnesses because of medical advances and people can actually help with it (surgeries, care, etc). although there are also drugs for mental illnesses (i’m never administered any btw), in the end the patient is the only one who could help themselves, no external interference will be extremely helpful.
take care, everybody. life is too short to be disabled.
so i decided to eat pancakes on my birthday and so there will be a Pancake Showdown tomorrow!
an exhausting week has passed
woke up with allergies. i seem to have a lot of problems now
“Contrary to the national football team, the German economy did not have a rude awakening at the start of the summer,” AND THEY SAY GERMANS HAVE NO HUMOUR. anyway i don’t understand 80% of the article because im economics-illiterate
It’s been 259 days since I came home from almost a year of being more than 10000km away, submerged in a completely different climate, culture, and language.
I was asked multiple times since: “Are you working or studying?”
I answered: “Neither.”
So from the persona I portray on social medias, people assume that I’m doing nothing, aka wasting my time and squandering my dad’s money (uh yes, I’m kinda a spoiled brat) and just having fun. Some people also thought that I stopped studying to travel (that’s a great idea actually except my wanderlust isn’t that big).
Well, I’m not trying to prove you wrong but I’m gonna remind myself about what I’ve actually done; this is a self-reflection and welcome to part of my world.
I met up with friends. Catching up is good, realising the distance between some of them and me is not. It’s sad but I’ve also started some friends as toxic though they have done nothing bad to me.
I learnt to be alone.
I have visited four Malaysian cities: Penang, Kampar, Ipoh, Malacca; and four countries: Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong. I wasn’t home for approximately 43 days. Don’t ask me for my favourite city/country.
I met some very cool and nice people from everywhere in the world, and managed to engage in deep conversations with several of them. In contrast, there are Malaysians with whom I could not get over an exchange of formalities, even if we’ve known each other for ages.
I am trying to run a business to help people save time deciding what to wear, and mostly am broke because of this. It’s not really working because I made it hard to even decide what to buy. Well, I gotta learn. And I’m getting help. So wish me luck. And also please like the page on Facebook and follow it on Instagram, that would be much much much appreciated and thanks in advance! Oh yeah, my friends get a special discount code; ask and you shall receive.
I kinda learnt to read Hiragana and Katakana, two of the Japanese scripts. I’m determined to learn the language but…nah…I’m lazy. The same thing happened with French although with French, the pronunciation is still screwing me up.
I sent way too many postcards and festival cards that I think I can write a pretty accurate review of postal services of the countries I’ve been to. I definitely have enough knowledge of the postal products to work at a Malaysian post office.
I missed seven birthday bashes and am about to miss an eighth one…I am forever sorry.
I was briefly obsessed with rhythmic gymnastics and spent four full days camping at the stadium and then randomly getting an invitation to attend the gala dinner. Oh it was fun and disastrous.
I spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandmother, and I think that’s something I will cherish in the future. My brother? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. But he said that he would buy me a PS4 controller and a game I want so I can play. Yay.
I started going to mental health therapy. I’m still not comfortable to disclose the details openly but I might tell you about it privately.
I watched a lot of films and TV and I also read about good films and good TV so I know what a good motion picture should be like but unfortunately most of what is on a screen is crap.
I somehow still manage to German. I’m super glad that I met (a lot of) Germans in Australia.
I gained a better appreciation for art, whether in the form of words, audios, visuals, and whatever.
I lost about 5kg. I’m not entirely sure how that happened and also I’m feeling more positive about my body image. Also, never ever call someone fat, you don’t know the full story.
I got an invitation to do the entrance exam at my dream university in Switzerland but ultimately had to decline it because…I don’t want to say. The university was the main reason why I acquired the German language. It’s a tough decision emotionally to let go of this dream, but oh, #life.
I learnt to make peace with the fact that, no matter how close two persons were; either platonically or romantically; things can change and it only requires the decisions of one side to make that change and unfortunately I am most of the time on the receiving end.
I kept in touch (or tried to keep in touch) with friends who are in about eight different time zones. The worst difference I’ve ever experienced was 17 hours…damn. Time zone differences is very weird but the best thing is always having someone to talk to no matter what time it is. It’s also amazing how I talk more to some friends who are hundreds of nautical miles away than some friends who stay a few minutes away in the same city.
I befriended a person who shares the same surname as me! She’s the first person I know with that surname who isn’t family (our surname, 管 , is very rare). How cool right!!!
I cold-emailed and cold-tweeted at people I find interesting, normally with no response, so I might be better at dealing at rejections now, however…
I shared a very very brief correspondence with some people in Hollywood.
I was rejected by the school in Germany where I’ll be studying in and spent two weeks in Japan checking my email inbox every day for a reply from my appeal. 12 hours after landing home from Tokyo, I got accepted after making a 10 minutes phone call. I wish I could give credit to my persuading skills but the truth is, they misconverted my grades before.
I started this blog.
I could not be happier to say that I’m going to Germany next month to start the next chapter of my life; the past two years were definitely wonderful interludes.
i woke up with a painful throat. i no longer understand anything