raw thoughts on this topic. feeling slightly better after almost-breakdowns today. hoping for a better tomorrow.

---

i loved writing. not just text producing, but actual writing by hand. there’s just something very soothing about transferring ink from pen and graphite from pencil to paper (i prefer the latter). i don’t have the best penmanship, there’s nothing unique about it other than it being very tiny at times; at least i don’t write cursive, but that’s for another day. anyway, that’s why i like to write cards; i really like practising the craft.

i am right-handed and i broke my right arm. the hand has been immobile since because of the splint. i am currently physically-disabled. so i have to learn to use my left hand in activities like brushing my teeth, using chopsticks, and writing. i’ve been practicing to write since day 2 and maybe i’ve made good progress cos people said things like “wow you write real good, it’s legible”; i think they’re too kind. i started out optimistic because this is an opportunity to train to be ambidextrous. but it didn’t escalate that quickly.

i stopped playing badminton intensively after my favourite player retired early because her knee ligament was torn and she could not regain her level of play. now i know what it’s like to have a torn knee ligament: it’s hard to straighten the leg and i couldn’t bend the leg completely. i go out with a crutch. i get offered seats. passersby give me pitiful glances.

---

i also suffer now and then from panic attacks and have experienced what it feels like to be depressed and i had mild suicidal thoughts before. ya, deep down i’m kinda screwed up. i know exactly when did i fall into this dark hole and though i know what’s it like outside the hole and how to crawl out of it, i’m still stuck inside. it’s worse now cos the stronger half of my limbs aren’t functioning. i guess i’ll stay here for a little while longer.

back to the question i posed on Instagram:

not surprisingly, most people think that a mental disability sucks more than a physical one. i would think so too, if i weren’t so handicapped now. as someone who has been affected in both ways to the point where i ceased to function as a normal human being, i think i am quite qualified to answer this.

i’ve been pondering upon this for a few weeks now. to me the question boiled down to something like:

what is worse? theoretically being able to do something but for some reason not do it or being theoretically unable to do something and thus not do it?

gotta thank French for this epiphany; merci for the existence of pouvoir and savoir.

i decided that it’s worse to be unable to do things because you simply cannot.

---

do you know how depressing it is:

to concentrate real hard on writing and it still happens slowly and comes out ugly?

to loathe writing when a long sentence is encountered? this is an understatement because after 3 weeks, i am officially avoiding writing. because i’m that incompetent.

to look at the mess at home and not being able to tidy it up as i wanted to?

to require assistance in basic tasks? i’m a burden to the people around me.

to despise walking?

to not be able to shower properly? i’m a dirtbag.

to realise that, without help, i couldn’t survive? what is self-sufficiency; seems like a million light years away.

---

however i must say that it’s definitely easier to recover from physical illnesses because of medical advances and people can actually help with it (surgeries, care, etc). although there are also drugs for mental illnesses (i’m never administered any btw), in the end the patient is the only one who could help themselves, no external interference will be extremely helpful.

take care, everybody. life is too short to be disabled.