- I assume everyone knows who “kwy” is.
- I can and sometimes will disagree on everything you agree on.
- I think I am talented.
- I’m lazy.
- I’m obsessed with things that could be deemed inappropriate. (ie: serial killers, the number “8”,
- If I’m in love with you or think that I am, I’ll confess my feelings even if I knew it might ruin the friendship.
- I write bad poetry (if they’re even considered as poetry) when I’m feeling like a shit.
- I really hate conforming to society.
- I always assume that I’m better at something than I actually am, for example: cooking and singing.
- I don’t get social cues well.
- I make jokes at the most wrong of times with the most sensitive of topics.
- I voice my opinions out, sometimes too loudly.
- My accent.
- I talk too much.
- I pretend that I know a lot of things.
- I probably don’t hold the people you hold in high regard in high regard.
- I spell it as “stuffs” though I know that it’s wrong.
- Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but let me pretend we’re BFFs alright‽
- When I’m not drunk but I am but I am not but wait what I don’t get it. But I’m sober.
- I pretend to be a badass but actually have no balls to do a lot of things.
- I don’t find dogs cute (come fight me) (oh wait please don’t), I don’t find animals cute in general, except for the occasional human beings.
- I’d remember your birthday for sure, but I will not get you a present.
- I don’t use facial products at all.
- My ego.
- I underdress all the time.
- My recklessness.
- I don’t get the hype of a lot of “trendy” and “popular” things and I’m fine with it.
- The music I listen to.
- My inability to organise physical spaces.
- I probably don’t acknowledge your existence on Earth until I need a favour from you.
- I think it is okay to eat alone, to watch movies alone, to travel alone; to do everything alone
It’s been 259 days since I came home from almost a year of being more than 10000km away, submerged in a completely different climate, culture, and language.
I was asked multiple times since: “Are you working or studying?”
I answered: “Neither.”
So from the persona I portray on social medias, people assume that I’m doing nothing, aka wasting my time and squandering my dad’s money (uh yes, I’m kinda a spoiled brat) and just having fun. Some people also thought that I stopped studying to travel (that’s a great idea actually except my wanderlust isn’t that big).
Well, I’m not trying to prove you wrong but I’m gonna remind myself about what I’ve actually done; this is a self-reflection and welcome to part of my world.
I met up with friends. Catching up is good, realising the distance between some of them and me is not. It’s sad but I’ve also started some friends as toxic though they have done nothing bad to me.
I learnt to be alone.
I have visited four Malaysian cities: Penang, Kampar, Ipoh, Malacca; and four countries: Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong. I wasn’t home for approximately 43 days. Don’t ask me for my favourite city/country.
I met some very cool and nice people from everywhere in the world, and managed to engage in deep conversations with several of them. In contrast, there are Malaysians with whom I could not get over an exchange of formalities, even if we’ve known each other for ages.
I am trying to run a business to help people save time deciding what to wear, and mostly am broke because of this. It’s not really working because I made it hard to even decide what to buy. Well, I gotta learn. And I’m getting help. So wish me luck. And also please like the page on Facebook and follow it on Instagram, that would be much much much appreciated and thanks in advance! Oh yeah, my friends get a special discount code; ask and you shall receive.
I kinda learnt to read Hiragana and Katakana, two of the Japanese scripts. I’m determined to learn the language but…nah…I’m lazy. The same thing happened with French although with French, the pronunciation is still screwing me up.
I sent way too many postcards and festival cards that I think I can write a pretty accurate review of postal services of the countries I’ve been to. I definitely have enough knowledge of the postal products to work at a Malaysian post office.
I missed seven birthday bashes and am about to miss an eighth one…I am forever sorry.
I was briefly obsessed with rhythmic gymnastics and spent four full days camping at the stadium and then randomly getting an invitation to attend the gala dinner. Oh it was fun and disastrous.
I spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandmother, and I think that’s something I will cherish in the future. My brother? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. But he said that he would buy me a PS4 controller and a game I want so I can play. Yay.
I started going to mental health therapy. I’m still not comfortable to disclose the details openly but I might tell you about it privately.
I watched a lot of films and TV and I also read about good films and good TV so I know what a good motion picture should be like but unfortunately most of what is on a screen is crap.
I somehow still manage to German. I’m super glad that I met (a lot of) Germans in Australia.
I gained a better appreciation for art, whether in the form of words, audios, visuals, and whatever.
I lost about 5kg. I’m not entirely sure how that happened and also I’m feeling more positive about my body image. Also, never ever call someone fat, you don’t know the full story.
I got an invitation to do the entrance exam at my dream university in Switzerland but ultimately had to decline it because…I don’t want to say. The university was the main reason why I acquired the German language. It’s a tough decision emotionally to let go of this dream, but oh, #life.
I learnt to make peace with the fact that, no matter how close two persons were; either platonically or romantically; things can change and it only requires the decisions of one side to make that change and unfortunately I am most of the time on the receiving end.
I kept in touch (or tried to keep in touch) with friends who are in about eight different time zones. The worst difference I’ve ever experienced was 17 hours…damn. Time zone differences is very weird but the best thing is always having someone to talk to no matter what time it is. It’s also amazing how I talk more to some friends who are hundreds of nautical miles away than some friends who stay a few minutes away in the same city.
I befriended a person who shares the same surname as me! She’s the first person I know with that surname who isn’t family (our surname, 管 , is very rare). How cool right!!!
I cold-emailed and cold-tweeted at people I find interesting, normally with no response, so I might be better at dealing at rejections now, however…
I shared a very very brief correspondence with some people in Hollywood.
I was rejected by the school in Germany where I’ll be studying in and spent two weeks in Japan checking my email inbox every day for a reply from my appeal. 12 hours after landing home from Tokyo, I got accepted after making a 10 minutes phone call. I wish I could give credit to my persuading skills but the truth is, they misconverted my grades before.
I started this blog.
I could not be happier to say that I’m going to Germany next month to start the next chapter of my life; the past two years were definitely wonderful interludes.
It took a little more than an hour lying at a pretty uncomfortable position but well worth it and I am happy.
What did you get?
The map of Malaysia, which is coloured teal, and the mountain ranges (banjaran) are highlighted. On my outer left leg. It is a geographically-correct map, meaning I could teach Malaysian geography with it. It’s larger than I expected because I didn’t expect that the separation between the peninsulas to be that big and you know how I’m all about accuracy so I’d rather want a large-but-accurate map than a small-and-cute-but-wrong map. I can’t live with a mistake for life just because of aesthetical reasons, right!?
What if one day you regretted it?
My friend, that’s my home country, where I am born and raised. I’ve even wanted the tattoo long before the new government was elected. So yeah.
Did it hurt?
Not all the time.
What does it actually feel like?
Maybe because of that awkward body position where I couldn’t directly see the tattoo artist working (ie: using the tattoo gun to stick needles into my bare, she shaved that part of my leg beforehand, flesh at quick successions), I might have been able to minimise the psychological effects of thinking that it would hurt a lot. So I would compare it with getting a lot of injections, except the needle doesn’t sink deep but just stays at the surface. It hurt more when nearing my calf muscles, so right now I have huge respect for people who have tattoos on their calves. Unless they have bony calves, then that’s less impressive.
How painful was it?
THIS IS MY MOMENT to say: less painful than getting your heart broken. YESSSSSS.
Any tips to combat the pain while being tattooed?
Find ways to distract yourself, but don’t try to do something brain-intensive. I was texting my best friend:
Her: Okay let me ask you an IQ question: why is the sky blue?
Me: How is that IQ???? *expecting a stupid-ass answer*
She: Why is it not IQ?
Those are all voice messages to explain how because of the wavelength of the colour blue and some limitations on our eye filters (I really don’t have time for this shit called real scientific terms), we perceive the sky as blue.
However, I did discover methods that work. Like listening to music. You know how sometimes when you listen to a certain song and it transports you back in time and place to a moment long long ago that you thought you’ve forgotten? No? You are psychopath, get a doctor. If you understood me, Panic! At The Disco’s “Old Fashioned” brings me back to this time now.
Also, take very very deep breaths. Maybe cos it releases the tensions in your body in a way.
That’s all I got from a little-over-an-hour long session: one failure and two successes. Not bad, eh?
Why this tattoo?
Just as a sense of identity. It’s on my leg to signify my roots.
July 12th, 2018 is a day to remember.
And have no regrets.
Sure, maybe there are stuff that I’d wish that I’ve done like going to Iceland, marrying, and achieve my dreams. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not okay with not checking them off my bucket list.
Why is the topic of death always a taboo? Is death really that terrifying? That’s the end of the journey anyway. It doesn’t matter what you’ve accomplished when you are alive; Albert Einstein died, so do Adolf Hitler. It is inevitable despite what the current scientific advances are trying to prove. Even if humans were one day biologically immortal, Mother Nature could take down humanity easily.
Put simply: it is impossible to live forever.
I don’t believe in afterlife (though on paper I’m supposed to be a Buddhist and the afterlife in Buddhist is being forever at this place called “The World of Extreme Happiness”). Now fuck it, why do I need that much happiness? Why even do people thrive for happiness? You need to know how sadness feels like before you understand the emotions of being happy, or else “being happy” would just be a very normal mental state; and once it’s normal, it’s not special anymore and it wouldn’t be appreciated that much. So yeah, embrace sadness and all other negative feelings.
In the Chinese culture, people avoid talking about death so much that even joking about it is unacceptable. Since I have no fucks to give, I’d say stuff like:
Yeah, I’ll see you after I’m back from Japan. Unless the plane crashed then goodbye forever.
Yeah, I guess we could meet in two months time if I were still alive by then.
Seriously, I don’t mind dying. And sorry for getting to the point this late but what I want to convey is actually cliche af, so cliche that I think people stop pondering upon it cos everyone says it all the time, everywhere, but no one really implements it:
Do the things that you really want to do, not what the society asks of you. You are the one living your life, not the fucking society. You would not be likable by the society (oh, trust me, I’m a pro) but really, who would want to watch a movie about an ordinary person with a normal(boring) life?
And when you live like that, death is really nothing to be fearful of.
∴ with this, I’d like you, the reader, whether you’ve known me or not, to know that, if I died young (how old is “young” anyway), please know that, I am totally at peace with that. I have no regrets at all, I’ve learnt to be able to say things that I want to say; hell, I confessed my feelings to all of my crushes BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU MOVE ON WITH LIFE KIDS; I’ve done a bunch of crazy things that people would probably never experience in a their entire lifetime; I can say that I have friends from all over my homeland and the world, so yeahhhhhhhhhhh my time on Earth was well worth it in my opinion.
Potentially Asked Questions (PAQs)
But there are so much more to see and do in this beautiful world, how could you just leave like that??!!!
I have accepted the fact that I’d never be able to see everything in this world or taste the best delicacies from everywhere, I’d also never experience all of the wonderful things that this world has to offer. So what if you have seen everything? Things change all the time and maybe it became better the moment you left a place but you missed it.
Be content and not greedy.
Are you trying to say that we should all die young?
Nope. I just wanted to say: Don’t be afraid of death.
How could you selfishly leave your family and friends behind?
Hey, I’m not killing myself here. I just said that I’m fine with dying anytime.
But not everyone has the means to be able to do whatever they want to do, you privileged spoiled brat.
Then work towards it. “Means” would be translated to “money”, “time”, and/or “permission”. First, you have to know what you are working for, to solve the “money” part. Then, you need to know what you are willing to sacrifice, to solve the “time” and “permission” part. Most importantly, know what you really want and how much would that cost. Everything else would come into place.
Do you actually look forward to life?
Yes, I do. I look forward to meeting new people and learning new things and exploring new places and experiencing new cultures and more.
What about your other half?
I currently don’t have one. I admit that my ideology might change once I met someone, but currently there’s no one. And maybe I’d die first before having someone so I’d not bother thinking about it first.
So when do you think you will die?
When Death comes to capture me.
How do you think you will die?
idk, but i hope that it doesn’t take long and painful.
This section would be updated as more questions arise.
Just because they’re nice to you.
I have been ghosted by several people for reasons not entirely known to me, by people whom I (unfortunately still) care and who I believe genuinely cared about me. And that’s why it hurts so much to not understand their treatment of me.
By the way, they are all separate incidents so if there was a category called “Being Ghosted by Most People In A Year”, I am definitely the world record holder*.
*challenge me though
Naturally, I talked about it a lot. Like a fuck ton to my other friends who don’t know the people who ghosted me (hereinafter referred as “Ghosters”) (can I also call myself a “Ghostie”, it sounds adorable) and well, they would tell me that it is the Ghosters being assholes and that I should just let go and move on.
This is a typical example of “easier said than done”.
Obviously I haven’t let it go that’s why I’m here fml. I don’t think I ever would but that’s okay because I can live with it. Living with the facts that I don’t know how I wronged them and/or what went wrong and/or whatever.
I have theories, sure; everyone has theories. That’s what you do when you don’t get answers from the primary source: you hypothesise a million possibilities and then share them to your friends and hope to get some validations. It’s almost like tabulating the probabilities of what likely caused them to ghost me, it’s kinda fun messing with a very biased set of datas.
However, you know what? I still don’t know the truths.
A recent event made me rethink about every Incidents (yes, with a capital “I”). I think, I couldn’t make peace with myself because I simply couldn’t accept the fact that the Ghosters are assholes.
Why couldn’t I accept that?
Because they were really nice to me and I could feel that they treated me sincerely.
How sure am I that what I felt was real?
Idk for sure. There might be a lot of other factors that caused me to think like that. I could be completely biased to reach that conclusion. Idk, my brain doesn’t know me too.
Then why couldn’t I accept that they’re shitty people?
Because I want to believe what I felt was real, that is, them being real friends to me. It’s ego, really.
Shit I veered off course from the Recent Event. Going right back!
I was with friends who know Ghoster F and know that Ghoster F ghosted me. They also know about the other Ghosters but never met them in real life. They told me that the other Ghosters are shitty for how they treated me and that I should just forget about them.
One of them said that I should keep in mind that things might be better when Ghoster F and I see each other in person (long distance friendships might be as hard as long distance relationships i guess). That’s why she offered to talk to Ghoster F for me. I agreed because yeah, I wanted to fix things too.
Long story short: they ended up saying stuff like “I couldn’t believe Ghoster F would do such a thing.”
That’s when I realised the key.
“I couldn’t believe that XXX would do *insert shitty stuff* ”
They couldn’t believe it because they know Ghoster F personally and have interacted with them enough to form a good evalution of their character. That’s bias.
I couldn’t believe it either, I couldn’t believe any of them would do that to me, honestly. The reality is, they did did that. I was too influenced by memories of how they were nice to me and dismissed the current state of assholeness because I’d like to believe the better of them.
All this while, I kept replaying scenes in my head, scenes that are altered by my brain to fit my fantasies, to try to figure out what went wrong; more specifically, what did I do wrong – I was blaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle because I wouldn’t get answers anyway so why bother.
Starting today, this might all be over. I will accept that they’re assholes to be easier on myself. I think I have moved on. They will all have a special place in my heart, no matter their niceness was real or not, because they made me believe in that anyway. And that makes me smile at some memories. And a bit happier.
Just because they WERE nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re not assholes.
Just because they are nice to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes
Just because they aren’t nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re assholes for sure
This line of thought could go on forever and I don’t want to confuse myself so imma stop here.
Fun fact: the Ghosters are part of the inspiration behind the name of the blog.
In my humble opinion, the three words that’s the hardest to be articulated in this century is not “I love you” anymore.
At least, in my case. And as I am quite a normal human, a decent amount of other humans should relate to me. No? Okay quit reading, you alien.
Take a stroll around social medias and you’ll see people displaying their affections publicly, everywhere. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic love, as a quick search on Instagram would show:
Just as a comparison and this is getting a little irrelevant but whatever:
You see my point?
“Help” involves two parties, and is always transferred through an action from an entity to another entity in a myriad of ways, to lighten the burden of the receiver.
Lol screw my life this is getting more complicated the more I ponder upon it. Ugk. I should be sleeping!!
Anyway, I kinda just wanna say that a lot of people have huge egos nowadays because of, well, probably society but there are a million other possibilities and they think that asking for help is embarrassing that’s why they don’t do it and then stress themselves and burn themselves out and tada mental illnesses come and your life is probably ruined if you still didn’t ask for help when your mind is screwed. Woof, what a long sentence.
What I also notice is, people love to help.
“Excuse me, could you please carry my suitcase to the upper compartment?” – life as a tiny Asian in an European train built for giant Europeans
“Hi, may I know where’s the toilet? – when you’re mostly lazy and occasionally blind to locate the toilet signs
“Excuse me, could you tell me how do I get to XXX?” – when you have Internet but want to interact with the locals
“Hey could you please help me find out the requirements for XXX university? – when you wanna study but actually don’t want to
“Hey can you please come to my house and help me mop the floor?” – I did this multiple times before and it always works
“I can’t decide what to eat. Help me. ” – not exactly useful but people try all the time, trying is better than not trying
You right now: But what you mentioned above is what I would say too given the circumstances.
Me: Yeah if you couldn’t even do those, you badly need help right now to overcome your antisocial-ness and/or shyness and/or whatever.
Those are pretty minor stuff, if you noticed. What I’m trying to convey here is that we all should learn to ask for help too for more serious matters. Matters that require you to lower your ego to perceive the network around you more equally.
When you’re at the same level, help is transferred more easily without much friction. But when you think that you have different power dynamics, haha shit, good luck taming your ego monster.
Struggling with your studies though you’ve consistently aced exams all your life?
“I need help”
Need financial help for something important in your life?
“I need help”
Mentally breaking down?
“I need help”
Need help in general?
“I need help”
Don’t feel ashamed. More often than not, it’s only you yourself who has high expectations on yourself, no one else really cares. But they love to help. Let them help.
My name is Kwan Wei Yen and I need help.
I’m not sure how many people would describe their dad like that, but I definitely would, over and over again. I’d even convince you that your dads are less than mine but nah, everyone’s definition of a ‘great dad’ is fundamentally different and perhaps to you, mine is the worst dad on Earth. Your opinion is not of my concern.
He granted me two gap years. Gap years are generally unheard of in the part of the world where I come from, let alone someone who could have two. Yeah, I’m starting university late; yeah, I’m not working and spending his money; but you know what? He doesn’t care what you think. I thought training myself to not give a f*** on what people think is a pretty cool thing to do, yet now I think having a dad who doesn’t give a f*** is one of the best things in the world.
He literally supports everything that my brother and I set out to do, as much as he could, emotionally and financially. He really helps us to carve out our lives as closely as we envisioned it to be. Honestly, life is great without restrictions imposed by parents because he believes in us that much.
Today, he woke up pretty late because ‘it felt very good to sleep in’. I bought him brunch from the meagre amount of money I managed to earn from my not-exactly-working business, he smiled like a kid when I said that I was getting the bill. He left me queuing alone in the long line at IKEA while wandering around the warehouse like a kid. He almost squealed when he saw the poster of ‘The Incredibles 2’ and exclaimed “I want to watch that!” (he usually avoided cartoons).
I guess it’s tolerable since it’s technically his day.