Perhaps

originally published on Medium


 

Perhaps my heart still aches,

Even ever so slightly;

Whenever I see your name, though it wasn’t you;

Whenever I listen to heartbreak songs, which lyrics are so eerily parallel to us;

Whenever I reminisce in our shared memories, it wasn’t a lot anyway.

 


 

Perhaps a part of me still long for you,

Even though it would never work;

Because we stopped existing in each other’s lives, what’s left is just swimming in our brains;

Because of our backgrounds, culture and society are such necessary nuisances;

Because it was lopsided, where I was falling way off balance without noticing where you were standing.

 


 

Perhaps I still would want to see you again,

Perhaps we would meet each other again,

Perhaps you would want to see me again,

Perhaps we could be friends again.

 


 

Perhaps I should sleep,

It’s 4.20am.

 


 

Perhaps I should just let go of you, even if, perhaps, that was the best thing that’s ever happened to me (thus far).

That doesn’t mean they’re not bad people

Just because they’re nice to you.


I have been ghosted by several people for reasons not entirely known to me, by people whom I (unfortunately still) care and who I believe genuinely cared about me. And that’s why it hurts so much to not understand their treatment of me.

By the way, they are all separate incidents so if there was a category called “Being Ghosted by Most People In A Year”, I am definitely the world record holder*.

*challenge me though


Naturally, I talked about it a lot. Like a fuck ton to my other friends who don’t know the people who ghosted me (hereinafter referred as “Ghosters”) (can I also call myself a “Ghostie”, it sounds adorable) and well, they would tell me that it is the Ghosters being assholes and that I should just let go and move on.

This is a typical example of “easier said than done”.


Obviously I haven’t let it go that’s why I’m here fml. I don’t think I ever would but that’s okay because I can live with it. Living with the facts that I don’t know how I wronged them and/or what went wrong and/or whatever.

I have theories, sure; everyone has theories. That’s what you do when you don’t get answers from the primary source: you hypothesise a million possibilities and then share them to your friends and hope to get some validations. It’s almost like tabulating the probabilities of what likely caused them to ghost me, it’s kinda fun messing with a very biased set of datas.

However, you know what? I still don’t know the truths.


A recent event made me rethink about every Incidents (yes, with a capital “I”). I think, I couldn’t make peace with myself because I simply couldn’t accept the fact that the Ghosters are assholes.

Why couldn’t I accept that?

Because they were really nice to me and I could feel that they treated me sincerely.

How sure am I that what I felt was real?

Idk for sure. There might be a lot of other factors that caused me to think like that. I could be completely biased to reach that conclusion. Idk, my brain doesn’t know me too.

Then why couldn’t I accept that they’re shitty people?

Because I want to believe what I felt was real, that is, them being real friends to me. It’s ego, really.

Shit I veered off course from the Recent Event. Going right back!

I was with friends who know Ghoster F and know that Ghoster F ghosted me. They also know about the other Ghosters but never met them in real life. They told me that the other Ghosters are shitty for how they treated me and that I should just forget about them.

One of them said that I should keep in mind that things might be better when Ghoster F and I see each other in person (long distance friendships might be as hard as long distance relationships i guess). That’s why she offered to talk to Ghoster F for me. I agreed because yeah, I wanted to fix things too.

Long story short: they ended up saying stuff like “I couldn’t believe Ghoster F would do such a thing.”

That’s when I realised the key.

“I couldn’t believe that XXX would do *insert shitty stuff* ”

They couldn’t believe it because they know Ghoster F personally and have interacted with them enough to form a good evalution of their character. That’s bias.

I couldn’t believe it either, I couldn’t believe any of them would do that to me, honestly. The reality is, they did did that. I was too influenced by memories of how they were nice to me and dismissed the current state of assholeness because I’d like to believe the better of them.

All this while, I kept replaying scenes in my head, scenes that are altered by my brain to fit my fantasies, to try to figure out what went wrong; more specifically, what did I do wrong – I was blaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle because I wouldn’t get answers anyway so why bother.


Starting today, this might all be over. I will accept that they’re assholes to be easier on myself. I think I have moved on. They will all have a special place in my heart, no matter their niceness was real or not, because they made me believe in that anyway. And that makes me smile at some memories. And a bit happier.


Just because they WERE nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re not assholes.

Just because they are nice to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes

Conversely:

Just because they aren’t nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re assholes for sure

This line of thought could go on forever and I don’t want to confuse myself so imma stop here.


Fun fact: the Ghosters are part of the inspiration behind the name of the blog.

It’s 2018 But In China They Still Do…

…相亲, xiàng qīn.

There is no such concept in the English language (or in any Western culture, I think) but it’s basically two persons being match-made by their families or relatives and then they get married. What the deuce???


That’s a common practice for the Chinese as recent as my grandparents’ generation but since then, come on, who would be happy to have your life partner predetermined for you???? I learnt about this from my paternal grandmother just a few months ago and was pretty surprised but also, a lot of things start to make sense. My grandfather died almost 50 years ago and my grandmother brought up six sons on her own; she’s a real heroine, isn’t she. Anyway, what made sense was how she never seemed to talk about my grandfather. Whenever such topics arise, she didn’t speak like someone who was ever truly in love. Maybe it has been too long and she is numb about it, but I never detected a hint of grief from her whenever we would visit my grandpa’s grave, which is every year cos we the bloody sentimental Chinese have a festival for that.


China has been giving me waves after waves of cultureshocks; it’s almost like a tsunami, really. First, I could not get over the lack of common courtesy here among people. Then, I became mindful that I absolutely the cuisine here because they are so oily and always too heavily-seasoned. Next, there’s this going-cashless movement (it’s really amazing). Now, this. Back to it.

So I befriended a 23 year old girl, well, 22 actually since her birthday is in November. She is engaged to a man she met just 4 months ago and scheduled to marry at the end of the year. I was dumbfounded to hear that. Naturally, I asked some questions.

How’s the process like?

Through the introduction by a relative or family friend. Marriage is then discussed and the date of marriage picked right away.

[note: yes, there are “lucky” and “unlucky” dates to marry; it depends on pairs’ birthdate and birth time; where the logic lies, baffles me too]

(after she said she’s considered late to marry) What? When do people normally get married?

19 or 20. One of my peers has even given birth.

Do people get divorced often?

Normally it only happens to people who picked their own partners. If the marriage was arranged, then not really.

[note: it took me a few moments to comprehend this]

Are there homosexuals here?

I have met a few…but isn’t it unpractical*? What would they do when they’re old (and have no kids to take care of them)?

[* I am not 100% sure if that was the phrase she used but she definitely said the following sentence]

And you’re sure you want to marry?

I wouldn’t marry if not for my mom. In my village, the folks would gossip a lot if people weren’t married by my age. It would be no problem to marry later if I went to university, but I didn’t.


Things I should have questioned but didn’t think of at that time and it would be weird to bring it up now through text messages so let me imagine myself to be in the shoes of conservative Chinese people:

Are people happy (in their marriages)? [note: this is the closest English translation out there; in Mandarin, it’s something more intricate: 会幸福吗?]

Happiness is having the stability of life; not having to worry about not having enough to survive. With a partner and a kid, I can achieve that.

What if you realised after marriage that your other half is an asshole/bitch?

I could only admit that it’s my fate. 【认命】

Is having a kid/kids that important?

Yeah, when you’re old and unable to work anymore, you need them to support you  so you are finally able to enjoy life yknow. Besides, there would be someone to spread your DNA around. It’s great.

Do you realise that you may never encounter true love?

What’s that? Does it help me have enough clothes to keep warm at night, enough to eat,  a shelter, AND all other life necessities?

What if after marriage you met someone else you’re romantically attracted to?

HAHAHAHA [with a “you serious bro” look]. I’d be married, I’d be loyal. That would never happen.

Please feel free to tell me if you have any other questions and I will try my best in pretending that I know the answer.

Thursday, still in Yiwu

READ

who poisoned Zhu Ling? 

more on the case above

wtf China

don’t forget what happened to Alan Turing

on pronunciations of foreign words

guys who date older women

gossiping is good.

doing nothing while travelling. sometimes i just walk around aimlessly too in foreign lands because why not

14 Tweets über das WM-Aus des Deutschlands

das WM-Aus

Deutschlaaaaaaaand!

a scandal about how Russia won the bid to host the World Cup

wow how could people request for free stays at hotels like that???

i admit that i’m privileged enough to not have been poor. society should not use the word “poor” loosely, like how they use “OCD”. being broke is normal. [comic]

actually useful royal etiquette rules

the man who cracked the lottery