Tag: life

the last time i felt this way…

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…i broke my arm a few hours later.

side note: i suddenly felt like writing this post in the middle of studying simulation science…idk what that says about the subject or me.

second side note: ok WordPress’ new editor is kinda hard to use…how do i add a line break??? ok maybe back to studying for a while…(currently in a study session)

third side note: the editor is really interesting but also…complicated…oh wow cool a lot of keyboard shortcuts ❤

quoting myself in my n-th attempt in keeping a diary; that time was an experiment with writing on my iPad, which is actually great, cos i could access to everything everywhere but also…for some reason i stopped.

ok so the quote:

i’m actually happy. my shit seems to be pulled together. seems like i [only] have Mathe to worry about.

-around 8am on May 1st, 2019

it’s a pretty long entry (by my standards) but it’s also full of dumb stuff so im gonna try to pretend i didn’t see it. approximately four hours later, i landed on bad footing while playing badminton and slipped and broke my right arm and completely torn a knee ligament. things that ensued could sometimes be seen insinuated throughout my angsty posts since.

anyway, that part i quoted is exactly what im feeling right now. this feeling of hope and excitement towards the future. (i am also aware that i’m much less eloquent than before and i’m really struggling with it but for now i dismiss it as not writing and reading enough English lately (my German’s improved though). hopefully i’d be able to churn out more real writings soon…after the exams..and i hope i don’t drown myself in other commitments. i need to commit more in myself. ) and oh yes, even the maths part is true for now. haha i don’t want to talk about it.

wow im so good at vomiting words, irrelevant words. maybe cos i was trying to figure out why am i actually writing but since i still have no idea and my brain is slightly tired (what does this say about simulation science‽), i’m gonna stop.

maybe i just want to say that, if something bad happens to me in the next few hours, i want to be able to say that: i saw it coming.

and hopefully history doesn’t repeat.

PS: my current journaling experiment is a physical morning journal which isn’t updated nearly enough. well for now i can’t care too much about it. i have more pressing issues to handle. (i always do)

being angry

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Twitter has been angry and i made some observations. this is based on my tweet

social media is great. you get to see how it’s like

when powerful people get angry.

when famous people get angry.

when smart people get angry.

when stupid people get angry.

this got me to think and explore a little deeper and then i don’t think i lie in any of these categories (at least i hope not) then came the next thought (tweet)

and normal people being angry. which is pretty much…normal. like the healthy amount. not disproportionate.

and then since i provided some explanation on normal people being angry normally. how are the other angrys (not a legit word) like?
in my opinion:

powerful people: probably pulling strings to make things happen. could be good or bad. like undercover cops creating chaos? bad. but there might be good things that we don’t see (yet).

famous people: create awareness. tbh i wouldn’t even think much about the current issue if not for so many people speaking up about it. and that’s also a problem cos these issues actually appeared TO BE NORMAL to me. that’s actually kinda fucked up. i mean, i grew up in a country where i don’t get fair treatment because of my skin colour. so like, it’s been a tacit acceptance my whole life. haha

smart people: really subtly. they make you think why this happened (and come to conclusions on our own; which could deviate from what another individual thinks, but does that really matter?) and suggest ways that we could do to improve things. in a way, they would help us grow and leave this situation as a little better person.

stupid people: makes you want to say “yes you can be angry and you have the right to do so but you don’t have to be THAT angry” or “you’re being angry at the wrong thing”.

these are of course just my own views and my thinking could probably be more refined. maybe i’ll explore this topic further in the future. maybe i’ll leave this here. who knows.

it was the anniversary of me breaking half my body

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but then i forgot to post it. so here it is. basically it’s just an extended text from my Instagram post.

one year anniversary of the most memorable Labour Day in my life.  

but the real labour was on the day after, after i *smartly* refused painkillers when i first got sent to the hospital; well, that was just one in a series of bad decisions i made last year. 

another bad decision was to play badminton, which is quite laborious, on the day dedicated to NOT perform any labour. 🏸 

i very briefly contemplated covering the scars with tattoos but nah. visible scars are to serve as reminders i guess. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

today i can laugh about it because of how outrageous it was; as with most of the other poor choices. 

quoting Marcus Aurelius in Meditations:

“‘Unhappy am I because this has happened to me.’ — Not so, but happy am I, though this has happened to me, because I continue free from pain, neither crushed by the present nor fearing the future.” #wowintellectual

that’s the level of tranquility that i’m still working towards. 💩

•••

❓INJURY UPDATE❓

🌰 in a nutshell : i’ve accepted that my body would not recover to 100%. it’s probably gonna be a maximum of 95%. currently? maybe like 87%. 

🦾: i cannot exert strength for too long, so, carrying groceries and writing for a long time sucks sometimes. i need a surgery sometime soon to remove the metal things. hopefully hospitals could take in non-corona patients soon. and then hopefully things will be better. 

🦿: 70% of the time, i don’t remember that the leg was injured. the surgeon hit a nerve while operating so my right shin has been numb since October but…who even needs to feel something at that spot?? 😂 so im okay.

•••

once again, i wanna thank everyone who helped made my life after the accident more bearable. i read that sometimes it’s not the patients who suffer, but the caretakers (though it referred to dementia patients, but i think it’s generally true). nurses are my new heroes. except the one who merciless cut off my beautiful splint/bandage/that thing on my arm. 😢 

•••

and yes, i’d play badminton again the second i’m allowed to. #tryagainbetternexttime 🤗 

•••

PS: i think i’m a little ambidextrous now??? 

tuesday. sunnyyyyyyyyy. hi.

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oh wow so ive disappeared for a few days cos ive been plagued (again) with crazy allergy and also i was making a bunch of calls to people who are half an Earth away. ive also watched a lot of TV #guiltyascharged 

but i’ve also been writing physical letters so that one day, when someone asks me what i did during the war against the coronavirus, i could say: “i had to resort to writing snail mails (which actually isn’t very snail-ey in Germany) and in each i wrote ‘i hope that things will be normal again soon, and that we can see each other again soon’.”

SKIMMED

what’s new on Netflix this week! so excited to see that Molly’s Game will be up! i watched it through halfway last year on the flight back to Malaysia from Amsterdam (a whopping 11hour flight) but cos i intentionally exhausted myself in the week leading to the flight, i slept a lot on the plane and couldn’t even finish one movie lol. oh and la casa de papel! yesssss.

there’s a new entertainment platform called Quibi which is designed for the phone (whatever that means) and they are releasing Anna Kendrick’s comedy… #takemymoney 

“tech projects to do instead of watching Netflix” lol this should be retitled as “how to organise your digital life during this lockdown”. but the bits about Raspberry Pi and repurposing old tech are technically projects. would love to do some Linux programming but oops too late, university starts again online next week ahahahahhaa

for people who want to watch online content virtually

 

READ

this Quibi thing sounds kinda interesting. and quite immersive. might be a cool way for certain artists to display their art in a new way

102 years ago it was the Spanish Flu. the key to flattening the curve is aggressive social distancing. that’s the key point of the article with statistics to support the notion

how the coronavirus could drastically alter urban life. yet another time-worth read from The Guardian

 

WATCHED

what is Rick and Morty doing with this Japanese samurai and grisly video

what i’ve done in the 8 months or so in my “second gap year” : a Report

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note: i can't believe i didn't publish this in 2018 lololol. i decided to not edit it (thus the present tense). well i went to Singapore and Indonesia after this post and read a few more books. that's about it.

It’s been 259 days since I came home from almost a year of being more than 10000km away, submerged in a completely different climate, culture, and language.

I was asked multiple times since: “Are you working or studying?”

I answered: “Neither.”

So from the persona I portray on social medias, people assume that I’m doing nothing, aka wasting my time and squandering my dad’s money (uh yes, I’m kinda a spoiled brat) and just having fun. Some people also thought that I stopped studying to travel (that’s a great idea actually except my wanderlust isn’t that big).

Well, I’m not trying to prove you wrong but I’m gonna remind myself about what I’ve actually done; this is a self-reflection and welcome to part of my world.

I have visited four Malaysian cities: Penang, Kampar, Ipoh, Malacca; and four countries: Australia, Japan, China, Hong Kong. I wasn’t home for approximately 43 days. Don’t ask me for my favourite city/country.

I met some very cool and nice people from everywhere in the world, and managed to engage in deep conversations with several of them. In contrast, there are Malaysians with whom I could not get over an exchange of formalities, even if we’ve known each other for ages.

I am trying to run a business to help people save time deciding what to wear, and mostly am broke because of this. It’s not really working because I made it hard to even decide what to buy. Well, I gotta learn. And I’m getting help. So wish me luck. And also please like the page on Facebook and follow it on Instagram, that would be much much much appreciated and thanks in advance! Oh yeah, my friends get a special discount code; ask and you shall receive.

I read 26 books (and actively reading two books) and also a bunch of articles. Mostly about philosophy and business, stuff completely unrelated to what I would be studying because why not.

I kinda learnt to read Hiragana and Katakana, two of the Japanese scripts. I’m determined to learn the language but…nah…I’m lazy. The same thing happened with French although with French, the pronunciation is still screwing me up.

I sent way too many postcards and festival cards that I think I can write a pretty accurate review of postal services of the countries I’ve been to. I definitely have enough knowledge of the postal products to work at a Malaysian post office.

I missed seven birthday bashes and am about to miss an eighth one…I am forever sorry.

I was briefly obsessed with rhythmic gymnastics and spent four full days camping at the stadium and then randomly getting an invitation to attend the gala dinner. Oh it was fun and disastrous.

I got a tattoo.

I spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandmother, and I think that’s something I will cherish in the future. My brother? He doesn’t want to spend time with me. But he said that he would buy me a PS4 controller and a game I want so I can play. Yay.

I started going to mental health therapy. I’m still not comfortable to disclose the details openly but I might tell you about it privately.

I watched a lot of films and TV and I also read about good films and good TV so I know what a good motion picture should be like but unfortunately most of what is on a screen is crap.

I somehow still manage to German. I’m super glad that I met (a lot of) Germans in Australia.

I gained a better appreciation for art, whether in the form of words, audios, visuals, and whatever.

I lost about 5kg. I’m not entirely sure how that happened and also I’m feeling more positive about my body image. Also, never ever call someone fat, you don’t know the full story.

I got an invitation to do the entrance exam at my dream university in Switzerland but ultimately had to decline it because…I don’t want to say. The university was the main reason why I acquired the German language. It’s a tough decision emotionally to let go of this dream, but oh, #life.

I learnt to make peace with the fact that, no matter how close two persons were; either platonically or romantically; things can change and it only requires the decisions of one side to make that change and unfortunately I am most of the time on the receiving end.

I kept in touch (or tried to keep in touch) with friends who are in about eight different time zones. The worst difference I’ve ever experienced was 17 hours…damn. Time zone differences is very weird but the best thing is always having someone to talk to no matter what time it is. It’s also amazing how I talk more to some friends who are hundreds of nautical miles away than some friends who stay a few minutes away in the same city.

I befriended a person who shares the same surname as me! She’s the first person I know with that surname who isn’t family (our surname, 管 , is very rare). How cool right!!!

I cold-emailed and cold-tweeted at people I find interesting, normally with no response, so I might be better at dealing at rejections now, however…

I shared a brief correspondence with some people in Hollywood.

I was rejected by the school in Germany where I’ll be studying in and spent two weeks in Japan checking my email inbox every day for a reply from my appeal. 12 hours after landing home from Tokyo, I got accepted after making a 10 minutes phone call. I wish I could give credit to my persuading skills but the truth is, they misconverted my grades before.

I started this blog.

I could not be happier to say that I’m going to Germany next month to start the next chapter of my life; the past two years were definitely wonderful interludes.

Thursday. why is Malaysia cold

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seriously, ive caught a cold

WATCHED

empathy vs sympathy. was talking about it with a friend two weeks ago and she asked me to explain the difference and i couldn’t do it well . now i guess i could

READ

20 coding projects in 20 days. wow i’d never be able to do this cos i can’t just do one thing a day

apparently there are safety guidelines when on an escalator. i fell on an escalator before when running up and it left scars on both my knees. it’s dangerous

what an inspiring story about a runner mother. wow. wow. wow.

about computational science, which is related to my current degree. [Wikipedia]

about computational engineering, which about completes the description of my degree. really exciting. [Wikipedia]

SKIMMED

tips on how to set up a Mac for coding. uhhhhhhhhhhh

Tuesday. Malaysia.

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i now have to watch with crutches but that is okay and i have a feeling that my progress is gggreeeeaaattttt. ahh crap, felt the same too after my arm surgery and then i got my hopes up too high and zzz it was horrible afterwards

READ

why we should pay in local currencies when given the choice

cross the world four times. somehow i feel that im at the emotional stage of having crossed the world three times but in reality i doubt ive even crossed the world even one time now

some ways to find stillness. what a post that i badly need, just in time

（kinda) done with the second semester

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academics-wise, i’m officially done with semester 2, three days earlier than expected because some bad decisions in the past weeks led me to unregister from the last exam due to lack of preparation. and i don’t want to just “try to pass” in a subject that would be important to me in the future.

now for some reflections.

the semester started shaky as i further try to navigate the life as a student and trying to recover from a horrible first semester. i made plans. i was executing them. things were going good. and then of course, life would come fuck you up. i broke my dominant arm and a knee ligament, while playing badminton indoors. things pretty much just went downhill after that. although i was just physically incapable to go to classes for 1.5 weeks, the mental aftermath that i had to endure afterwards rendered me useless for more than half of the semester. i had to learn to use my left hand, which has gotten smarter but also still dumb at times; i still eat solely with my left hand but do most other things with my right hand, though it tires easily. i couldn’t go to classes because of the mental distress and i hated writing with my left hand after a while. i was betrayed and backstabbed badly while in the midst of this mess. i thought i couldn’t trust anyone anymore(not true), and i wouldn’t talk to my family (my poor poor dad). i literally faced all kinds of problems that a human could possibly face in a lifetime, other than financially, all at the same time. who wouldn’t slip into a depression like that? my routine started including going to physiotherapy, regular checkups at the hospital, going to the doctors, counselling, and group therapies. officially, i am engaged actively at two institutions for my physical health, and four institutions to maintain my sanity (i still went berserk sometimes, sorry for people who had to deal with it), and i went to my general practitioner often enough to realise that the first one sucked so i started going to a second one. this was rock bottom.

thus i started a battle with depression and anxiety. i still wouldn’t say that i conquered it but at least it has gotten better cos everything seems to be okay again. it begun with me starting a job at a university institute as a student assistant and in the same week i won a scholarship (that’s why i don’t have a financial problem xD). i really am happy at the job, it’s great to feel appreciated when you put in effort to do something. though i did (unsurprisingly) fail the first exam in the semester, the others that i sat for seemed to go quite well. and it really boosted my self-confidence.

there are of course some other things that happened that im still not comfortable to discuss in the open. what i really want to say is, i really am grateful for the people who stuck around and who believed in me (even when i was having serious doubts about myself) and gave me all the support to help me go through this. i now know who my true friends are, it’s still hard for me to cut off the toxic ones but for the sake of those of you who really care about me, i will.  shoutout to the all of you, mostly people who have known me for less than a year and people who might not understand me and my actions all the time because of cultural differences or otherwise but still chose to stay in my life. not to say that i don’t appreciate my old friends back at home and people in other parts of the world whom ive known longer, but we aren’t in the vicinity of each other and i now realise that it does make a difference. i still love you all, that’s for sure.

and i love all of you and i will try my best to regain full health (physically, mentally, and emotionally) as soon as possible and be the best person i could possibly be. i hope that you would still be there.