today my guests left so i can finally mourn properly
today my guests left so i can finally mourn properly
It’s a strong word. It’s a strong verb. It’s a strong emotion.
I haven’t grieved for a long time; I’ve also never grieved the loss of a friend. I don’t know what to feel, or rather, I don’t know what I am feeling.
I don’t think my brain has completely registered it. Maybe it understood it for a while when there were tears streaming down my eyes while I was trying to study how to measure temperature. I didn’t exactly learn how to because it’s in German, the language that brought us together.
It’s been more than a year since we last saw each other in person, though we did do video calls with the others in Australia and Hong Kong this year. I will miss the random phone calls when I was in Göttingen, in Selangor, and in Osaka. I don’t think anyone else has ever tried to reach me at so many places.
I’m sorry for not texting you that often, especially since we started university, how was your university life actually? I’ve only managed to hear a little about it from other people’s mouths. I wish I talked to you personally instead.
I thought we had time. After all, we were supposed to have a Goethe reunion at some point right? And we’re all in Europe, a small continent, where it takes just over three hours to fly from one end to another end.
I cannot imagine how the others who were much closer to you are coping; I’m suffering. I had company the days before and couldn’t mourn properly. Tonight is dedicated to that.
It is strange.
I think, subconsciously, I believe that you’re gone. Yet consciously, my brain couldn’t grasp that concept. Alas, sometimes I couldn’t believe that my mom’s gone too, haha. Why are we alive if we would die anyway? What’s the purpose of life then?
I didn’t care enough to decipher your Instagram bio, but now I want to know. Maybe I’d write a computer program to find the answer. I hope you’re laughing in heavens at how much trouble this little beer lady will be going through.
How do I find your Spotify playlist that has the MAINSTREAM songs we listen to?
I’m drinking mead, aka honey wine, and I’m under alcohol influence but I also have to do the dishes myself later.
Brandenburger Tor, it’s been a week since I last texted you, why don’t you reply?
did a one-day-trip to Maastricht in the Netherlands. socialising is a chore today.
a friend passed away suddenly. we learnt German together and haven’t seen each other for over a year but we would’ve met again next year but nope, never again. i don’t think my brain completely comprehended it.
i did a programming test today. i’ve skipped a lot of classes because it’s in German and not self-disciplined enough to study most of the time so im quite behind everyone. im trying to learn it online from an English website. luckily, today a classmate helped me with seeing the past year papers and she explained the stuff in German which was AWESOME but ya i think it help me. though i really have to spend more time studying
To those who can’t German, “Radfahrer” means “cyclist”. So I bought a used bike that costs, like, RM750. I miss life in a developing country. I got a bike because the bus connections at where I live sucks and I hate adhering to schedules not written by me, so yeah. This is a diary and would be published once I could safely say that I am a professional cyclist here.
It’s the bicycle flea market today here in Aachen, it’s held once a month I think. I went there with my Buddy, who helped me check the bike and helped me save 25Euros (about RM125). I got a 20Euros lock too because bike theft is rampant here apparently.
I am very confused as to which traffic lights I should follow, the one for the cars, or the one for pedestrians, what I did just now was to follow the one that allowed me to cross first without endangering my life. The bike has a weird brake system where all I have to do is to try to pedal backwards, which was scary for me while I was cruising on the roads because I have the strange habit of pedalling backwards (when going down a slope) with a more normal bicycle. Basically what I mean is that I did a few emergency brakes without wanting to do it and nearly fell down.
It was a 20 minute ride and it’s very warm today, 26 degrees and very sunny. And I didn’t expect so much uphill rides. SO. MANY. I AM SO EXHAUSTED. On the bright side, that means I will be working out every day.
I cycled back at night too and luckily the roads weren’t too busy. I am still not sure where to cycle when there’s no cycling paths. I nearly bumped into someone on a street that I’m not sure if cycling was allowed.
I was speaking to a Dutch girl while we were waiting for the traffic light to turn red though there was no one around, #iEchteDeutsche . I nearly fell down twice cos I forgot that my brake system is different now and Nice Dutch Girl wanted to stop a few times to make sure that I was okay. I also accidentally rang the bell at a few (possibly drunk) people and they looked up shocked and I apologised immediately and we all laughed. Hahaha.
I was super fine. Just a little exhausted from the uphill cycles…
I’ve been fumbling a little with the lock. It’s kinda annoying.
When I was cycling back just now, my eyes were so dry I couldn’t keep it open so I was essentially blind cycling…sort of. I was so glad to see a red traffic light and forced myself to yawn, that did the trick to moisturise my eyes a little.
It’s almost mid-October but I was sweating from the ride back. Am I too fat or because it’s really warm?? Hmm. We will never know.
I nearly fell asleep at a friend’s place and it’s Monday but I’m absolutely exhausted trololololol. Anyway I made it home safely yay.
My leg muscles hurt a lot. 😦
Initially my plan was to cycle a whopping three times home today and then fear took over and I took the bus instead and cycled home only once and it was faster than the days before. I’m happy.
I didn’t ride the bike home cos I was too exhausted to cycle. It’s parked somewhere in the city centre.
My bike has been parked in the city centre for two nights now and it’s the weekend but I’m lazy. I’m starting to miss the bikey. Mega exhausting day cos we had a party at 8.30am in my room lol.
The weather is getting cold, like super cold and people were in winter jackets and stuff but cycling makes me produce so much body heat that I end up sweating by the time I got home. Also my body seems to be more conditioned towards the terrain so it’s less exhausting now but still exhausting.
Was at a friend’s friend’s place for a Malaysian dinner (first time I had Malaysian food in over a month!!!) and dreaded the ride home because it felt very cold and I thought that I could have fallen asleep there. Nevertheless, through reckless cycling (who cares about the law at night) (the Germans do), and very very very brute force, I made it home.
I have to learn to love these hills.
I haven’t been cycling much last week because autumn was finally here and it was raining and cold, but also because I went to parties and was too lazy to cycle (also because the weather was shitty). And I actually stayed home a lot that’s why I didn’t need the bike.
Today I cycled again and I’m getting more good at this #iRadfahrer thing because I no longer have that awkward pause when I start peddling, like I needed the pedals to be at a certain position; mainly because I have short legs too. I am also able to swiftly transition from being on the wheels to getting down and start walking the bike; usually when the traffic lights turned red, I’d become a pedestrian and continue cycling again after I cross the road. I don’t know if this was legal and I don’t intend to find out.
the weather is getting really cold now and there was a strong wind and i nearly veered off. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr
honestly haven’t been cycling much cos im lazy though i always blame the weather. Anyway i think i can call myself a Radfahrer now because:
I don’t think I can call myself a professional cyclist yet cos I’m still reluctant to get a helmet and reflecting safety lights but at least now I can safely say that it’s hard to kill me on the Aachener roads now.