today is my mom’s seventh death anniversary. she succumbed to cancer after three years of battling it. i post a tribute every year. i decided to repost here because at least here WordPress respects the spacings i used to format my text. 

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recently, i dreamt a lot. some of them are very weird but some of them didn’t stray too far from reality…which is sometimes confusing. 

and some felt very real.

in the past year, i probably dreamt of my mom more than in all the previous years combined. maybe because i needed a mom more than ever. what would she do when she found out that her daughter broke an arm through a sport that she used to drive me to play? what would she say to me during this pandemic? would i even be in Germany if she was there? 

well i didn’t dream of anything like that. what i dreamt was us on trips, sometimes with the rest of the family. once we were at a theme park (i think) and once we were at a safari. the others i don’t remember. once my mom was quarrelling with my dad (no they didn’t do this often in real life) and i was just being quiet there like how a kid does. it felt very normal. it felt very real. 

then i woke up. 

it always takes a few moments for me to recalibrate and for me to realise: “oh, my mom is not alive anymore. it was just a dream. she’s not here and she’s not there.” 

and this keeps happening. it sucks to feel the void when i‘m conscious but how could i mind? 

all i need to do is go to sleep early. 

#sevenyears