turning through

This feeling of uncalmness,

i-don’t-feel-like-myself-ness;

is threatening to demolish my fortress,

the one of self-dependent toughness.

Negativity-spreading is my new big thing,

perhaps i need a new fling;

no, really it’s not good timing,

can’t risk what it may bring.

Stop, please stop,

i think i’m gonna pop,

what’s it like at the top,

do i still have a shot

I am so filled with ruth,

i need help is the truth,

but to look for people who could soothe,

i’m not sure if it’s a good move.

I thought i’ve became stronger,

much less vulnerable,

yet in fact i am still incapable

to bear the fruit of my labour.

Hollowness

I bought a book,

A book of lists,

Lists to make,

For the future.


Like:

What would you

Have achieved

In 5 years?

Like:

What strange spot

Would you have

Slept over?

Like:

Which of friends

Do you think

Would still be there?


I thought that

It’d be easy;

I’m the easiest

To be fooled.


I think not,

That I’m lost

For ideas,

I have a lot.


Alas I’m

Just a girl

Who feels just

Like a human.

Perhaps

originally published on Medium


 

Perhaps my heart still aches,

Even ever so slightly;

Whenever I see your name, though it wasn’t you;

Whenever I listen to heartbreak songs, which lyrics are so eerily parallel to us;

Whenever I reminisce in our shared memories, it wasn’t a lot anyway.

 


 

Perhaps a part of me still long for you,

Even though it would never work;

Because we stopped existing in each other’s lives, what’s left is just swimming in our brains;

Because of our backgrounds, culture and society are such necessary nuisances;

Because it was lopsided, where I was falling way off balance without noticing where you were standing.

 


 

Perhaps I still would want to see you again,

Perhaps we would meet each other again,

Perhaps you would want to see me again,

Perhaps we could be friends again.

 


 

Perhaps I should sleep,

It’s 4.20am.

 


 

Perhaps I should just let go of you, even if, perhaps, that was the best thing that’s ever happened to me (thus far).

Trapped

In a country where the mindset deviates far, far from mine.

By international borders.

I’m losing my sanity.


In a body that is far, far underdeveloped from ideality.

By physical limitations.

I’m losing my health.


In a brain that’s been far, far damaged from compulsory pills.

By cognitive declines.

I’m losing my gifts.


In a mind that’s far, far disturbed than it should be.

By hurtful realities.

I’m losing my sanity.


I need to hold everything in, don’t I?