Tag: philosophy

I could die next week, tomorrow, or at the next second

kwyLeave a comment

And have no regrets.

Sure, maybe there are stuff that I’d wish that I’ve done like going to Iceland, marrying, and achieve my dreams. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not okay with not checking them off my bucket list.

Why is the topic of death always a taboo? Is death really that terrifying? That’s the end of the journey anyway. It doesn’t matter what you’ve accomplished when you are alive; Albert Einstein died, so do Adolf Hitler. It is inevitable despite what the current scientific advances are trying to prove. Even if humans were one day biologically immortal, Mother Nature could take down humanity easily.

Put simply: it is impossible to live forever.

I don’t believe in afterlife (though on paper I’m supposed to be a Buddhist and the afterlife in Buddhist is being forever at this place called “The World of Extreme Happiness”). Now fuck it, why do I need that much happiness? Why even do people thrive for happiness? You need  to know how sadness feels like before you understand the emotions of being happy, or else “being happy” would just be a very normal mental state; and once it’s normal, it’s not special anymore and it wouldn’t be appreciated that much. So yeah, embrace sadness and all other negative feelings.

In the Chinese culture, people avoid talking about death so much that even joking about it is unacceptable. Since I have no fucks to give, I’d say stuff like:

Yeah, I’ll see you after I’m back from Japan. Unless the plane crashed then goodbye forever.

Yeah, I guess we could meet in two months time if I were still alive by then.

Seriously, I don’t mind dying. And sorry for getting to the point this late but what I want to convey is actually cliche af, so cliche that I think people stop pondering upon it cos everyone says it all the time, everywhere, but no one really implements it:

Do the things that you really want to do, not what the society asks of you. You are the one living your life, not the fucking society. You would not be likable by the society (oh, trust me, I’m a pro) but really, who would want to watch a movie about an ordinary person with a normal(boring) life?

And when you live like that, death is really nothing to be fearful of.

∴ with this, I’d like you, the reader, whether you’ve known me or not, to know that, if I died young (how old is “young” anyway), please know that, I am totally at peace with that. I have no regrets at all, I’ve learnt to be able to say things that I want to say; hell, I confessed my feelings to all of my crushes BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU MOVE ON WITH LIFE KIDS; I’ve done a bunch of crazy things that people would probably never experience in a their entire lifetime; I can say that I have friends from all over my homeland and the world, so yeahhhhhhhhhhh my time on Earth was well worth it in my opinion.

Potentially Asked Questions (PAQs)

But there are so much more to see and do in this beautiful world, how could you just leave like that??!!!

I have accepted the fact that I’d never be able to see everything in this world or taste the best delicacies from everywhere, I’d also never experience all of the wonderful things that this world has to offer. So what if you have seen everything? Things change all the time and maybe it became better the moment you left a place but you missed it.

Be content and not greedy.

Are you trying to say that we should all die young?

Nope. I just wanted to say: Don’t be afraid of death.

How could you selfishly leave your family and friends behind?

Hey, I’m not killing myself here. I just said that I’m fine with dying anytime.

But not everyone has the means to be able to do whatever they want to do, you privileged spoiled brat.

Then work towards it. “Means” would be translated to “money”, “time”, and/or “permission”. First, you have to know what you are working for, to solve the “money” part. Then, you need to know what you are willing to sacrifice, to solve the “time” and “permission” part. Most importantly, know what you really want and how much would that cost. Everything else would come into place.

Do you actually look forward to life?

Yes, I do. I look forward to meeting new people and learning new things and exploring new places and experiencing new cultures and more.

What about your other half?

I currently don’t have one. I admit that my ideology might change once I met someone, but currently there’s no one. And maybe I’d die first before having someone so I’d not bother thinking about it first.

So when do you think you will die?

When Death comes to capture me.

How do you think you will die?

idk, but i hope that it doesn’t take long and painful.

This section would be updated as more questions arise.

That doesn’t mean they’re not bad people

kwyLeave a comment

Just because they’re nice to you.

I have been ghosted by several people for reasons not entirely known to me, by people whom I (unfortunately still) care and who I believe genuinely cared about me. And that’s why it hurts so much to not understand their treatment of me.

By the way, they are all separate incidents so if there was a category called “Being Ghosted by Most People In A Year”, I am definitely the world record holder*.

*challenge me though

Naturally, I talked about it a lot. Like a fuck ton to my other friends who don’t know the people who ghosted me (hereinafter referred as “Ghosters”) (can I also call myself a “Ghostie”, it sounds adorable) and well, they would tell me that it is the Ghosters being assholes and that I should just let go and move on.

This is a typical example of “easier said than done”.

Obviously I haven’t let it go that’s why I’m here fml. I don’t think I ever would but that’s okay because I can live with it. Living with the facts that I don’t know how I wronged them and/or what went wrong and/or whatever.

I have theories, sure; everyone has theories. That’s what you do when you don’t get answers from the primary source: you hypothesise a million possibilities and then share them to your friends and hope to get some validations. It’s almost like tabulating the probabilities of what likely caused them to ghost me, it’s kinda fun messing with a very biased set of datas.

However, you know what? I still don’t know the truths.

A recent event made me rethink about every Incidents (yes, with a capital “I”). I think, I couldn’t make peace with myself because I simply couldn’t accept the fact that the Ghosters are assholes.

Why couldn’t I accept that?

Because they were really nice to me and I could feel that they treated me sincerely.

How sure am I that what I felt was real?

Idk for sure. There might be a lot of other factors that caused me to think like that. I could be completely biased to reach that conclusion. Idk, my brain doesn’t know me too.

Then why couldn’t I accept that they’re shitty people?

Because I want to believe what I felt was real, that is, them being real friends to me. It’s ego, really.

Shit I veered off course from the Recent Event. Going right back!

I was with friends who know Ghoster F and know that Ghoster F ghosted me. They also know about the other Ghosters but never met them in real life. They told me that the other Ghosters are shitty for how they treated me and that I should just forget about them.

One of them said that I should keep in mind that things might be better when Ghoster F and I see each other in person (long distance friendships might be as hard as long distance relationships i guess). That’s why she offered to talk to Ghoster F for me. I agreed because yeah, I wanted to fix things too.

Long story short: they ended up saying stuff like “I couldn’t believe Ghoster F would do such a thing.”

That’s when I realised the key.

“I couldn’t believe that XXX would do *insert shitty stuff* ”

They couldn’t believe it because they know Ghoster F personally and have interacted with them enough to form a good evalution of their character. That’s bias.

I couldn’t believe it either, I couldn’t believe any of them would do that to me, honestly. The reality is, they did did that. I was too influenced by memories of how they were nice to me and dismissed the current state of assholeness because I’d like to believe the better of them.

All this while, I kept replaying scenes in my head, scenes that are altered by my brain to fit my fantasies, to try to figure out what went wrong; more specifically, what did I do wrong – I was blaming myself. It’s a vicious cycle because I wouldn’t get answers anyway so why bother.

Starting today, this might all be over. I will accept that they’re assholes to be easier on myself. I think I have moved on. They will all have a special place in my heart, no matter their niceness was real or not, because they made me believe in that anyway. And that makes me smile at some memories. And a bit happier.

Just because they WERE nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re not assholes.

Just because they are nice to you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t assholes

Conversely:

Just because they aren’t nice to me, it doesn’t mean that they’re assholes for sure

…

This line of thought could go on forever and I don’t want to confuse myself so imma stop here.

Fun fact: the Ghosters are part of the inspiration behind the name of the blog.

“I need help”

kwy2 Comments

In my humble opinion, the three words that’s the hardest to be articulated in this century is not “I love you” anymore.

At least, in my case. And as I am quite a normal human, a decent amount of other humans should relate to me. No? Okay quit reading, you alien.

Take a stroll around social medias and you’ll see people displaying their affections publicly, everywhere. It doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic love, as a quick search on Instagram would show:

Just as a comparison and this is getting a little irrelevant but whatever:

You see my point?

“Help” involves two parties, and is always transferred through an action from an entity to another entity in a myriad of ways, to lighten the burden of the receiver.

Lol screw my life this is getting more complicated the more I ponder upon it. Ugk. I should be sleeping!!

Anyway, I kinda just wanna say that a lot of people have huge egos nowadays because of, well, probably society but there are a million other possibilities and they think that asking for help is embarrassing that’s why they don’t do it and then stress themselves and burn themselves out and tada mental illnesses come and your life is probably ruined if you still didn’t ask for help when your mind is screwed. Woof, what a long sentence.

What I also notice is, people love to help.

“Excuse me, could you please carry my suitcase to the upper compartment?” – life as a tiny Asian in an European train built for giant Europeans

“Hi, may I know where’s the toilet? – when you’re mostly lazy and occasionally blind to locate the toilet signs

“Excuse me, could you tell me how do I get to XXX?” – when you have Internet but want to interact with the locals

“Hey could you please help me find out the requirements for XXX university? – when you wanna study but actually don’t want to

“Hey can you please come to my house and help me mop the floor?” – I did this multiple times before and it always works

“I can’t decide what to eat. Help me. ” – not exactly useful but people try all the time, trying is better than not trying

You right now: But what you mentioned above is what I would say too given the circumstances.

Me: Yeah if you couldn’t even do those, you badly need help right now to overcome your antisocial-ness and/or shyness and/or whatever.

Those are pretty minor stuff, if you noticed. What I’m trying to convey here is that we all should learn to ask for help too for more serious matters. Matters that require you to lower your ego to perceive the network around you more equally.

When you’re at the same level, help is transferred more easily without much friction. But when you think that you have different power dynamics, haha shit, good luck taming your ego monster.

Struggling with your studies though you’ve consistently aced exams all your life?

“I need help”

Need financial help for something important in your life?

“I need help”

Mentally breaking down?

“I need help”

Need help in general?

“I need help”

Don’t feel ashamed. More often than not, it’s only you yourself who has high expectations on yourself, no one else really cares. But they love to help. Let them help.

My name is Kwan Wei Yen and I need help.