about dreams

today is my mom’s seventh death anniversary. she succumbed to cancer after three years of battling it. i post a tribute every year. i decided to repost here because at least here WordPress respects the spacings i used to format my text. 


 

recently, i dreamt a lot. some of them are very weird but some of them didn’t stray too far from reality…which is sometimes confusing. 

and some felt very real.

in the past year, i probably dreamt of my mom more than in all the previous years combined. maybe because i needed a mom more than ever. what would she do when she found out that her daughter broke an arm through a sport that she used to drive me to play? what would she say to me during this pandemic? would i even be in Germany if she was there? 

well i didn’t dream of anything like that. what i dreamt was us on trips, sometimes with the rest of the family. once we were at a theme park (i think) and once we were at a safari. the others i don’t remember. once my mom was quarrelling with my dad (no they didn’t do this often in real life) and i was just being quiet there like how a kid does. it felt very normal. it felt very real. 

then i woke up. 

it always takes a few moments for me to recalibrate and for me to realise: “oh, my mom is not alive anymore. it was just a dream. she’s not here and she’s not there.” 

and this keeps happening. it sucks to feel the void when i‘m conscious but how could i mind? 

all i need to do is go to sleep early. 

#sevenyears 

one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous

In 4 days I’ve managed to do some very dumb (but luckily pretty minor) things that could demonstrate my skills in being so clumsy that one day i would die in such a dumb way that you couldn’t feel sad for me cos it’s so ridiculous.


  • So I’ve cut fingers with a knife twice in two months now, that makes it an average of once per month. It’s not a very shallow cut and some flesh is missing and there was an amount of blood but ya im still alive. Handicap-level was quite high though I cut my left hand cos I could barely shower and do dishes without feeling pain and coincidentally i was smart enough to host parties at my place so i had to make my guests wash the plates, #BestHostEver .

 

  • I choked while showering. Don’t ask me how.
  • I sprained my ankle very badly this morning cos i wanted to wake up to kill the alarm clock but somehow i twisted my ankle. While being half conscious. I think it was because my legs were numb beforehand so my leg isn’t correctly aligned? And I panicked because of that annoying alarm so boom, I’m jumping around my house on my other good foot. Handicap level is mega high cos i can barely move without feeling pain at the swollen fat ankle.

First update came just two days after i published the original. i really am gonna kill myself soon am i? It’s Thursday and I haven’t left my residence since Monday night because of the sprained ankle. However, I’m feeling a lot of love from my friends; neighbours helping me buy stuff from the city and checking on me, friends coming over to study with me and accompanying me, and generally a lot of kind messages and tips on healing my ankle.  Life is great. Okay not really cos there’s snow outside and i really wanna have a real snowball fight but i can barely run.

  • the reason why i’ve been reluctant to leave my home is because i’d have to put on shoes cos it’s cold outside (at home in Malaysia it’s perfectly fine with slippers) but my classmate and i saw people building a snowwoman (we know it’s a woman because she has long hair. sorry i don’t have a picture) so i had to go out. In slippers.  My extremities were so frozen that it hurt for a long while even when I got into the warmness of my house. so yeah. DUMB. But also, because of the freezing cold, i walked more normally in the snow cos my feet were numb.

 i broke an arm and a knee ligament playing badminton indoors

 

 


This post will be updated as I gather more convincing proofs that one day i would have a tearless funeral.

Wednesday. On the plane in Singapore.

Paramore was sooooo awesome! my brain seems to still not be able to register that it actually happened.

READ

how to have an awesome life. it’s actually no elephantcrap


JAKARTA, INDONESIA

SKIMMED

deaths in 1997. because i met two Germans who are also bornt in 1997 and i told them about my theory of how i think 1997 kids are the coolest people ever, because a lot of cool people died in 1997. makes sense right? anyway i only remembered Princess Diana. other than that no one else comes to mind LOL.

I could die next week, tomorrow, or at the next second

And have no regrets.


Sure, maybe there are stuff that I’d wish that I’ve done like going to Iceland, marrying, and achieve my dreams. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not okay with not checking them off my bucket list.

Why is the topic of death always a taboo? Is death really that terrifying? That’s the end of the journey anyway. It doesn’t matter what you’ve accomplished when you are alive; Albert Einstein died, so do Adolf Hitler. It is inevitable despite what the current scientific advances are trying to prove. Even if humans were one day biologically immortal, Mother Nature could take down humanity easily.

Put simply: it is impossible to live forever.

I don’t believe in afterlife (though on paper I’m supposed to be a Buddhist and the afterlife in Buddhist is being forever at this place called “The World of Extreme Happiness”). Now fuck it, why do I need that much happiness? Why even do people thrive for happiness? You need  to know how sadness feels like before you understand the emotions of being happy, or else “being happy” would just be a very normal mental state; and once it’s normal, it’s not special anymore and it wouldn’t be appreciated that much. So yeah, embrace sadness and all other negative feelings.


In the Chinese culture, people avoid talking about death so much that even joking about it is unacceptable. Since I have no fucks to give, I’d say stuff like:

Yeah, I’ll see you after I’m back from Japan. Unless the plane crashed then goodbye forever.

Yeah, I guess we could meet in two months time if I were still alive by then.

Seriously, I don’t mind dying. And sorry for getting to the point this late but what I want to convey is actually cliche af, so cliche that I think people stop pondering upon it cos everyone says it all the time, everywhere, but no one really implements it:

Do the things that you really want to do, not what the society asks of you. You are the one living your life, not the fucking society. You would not be likable by the society (oh, trust me, I’m a pro) but really, who would want to watch a movie about an ordinary person with a normal(boring) life?

And when you live like that, death is really nothing to be fearful of.


∴ with this, I’d like you, the reader, whether you’ve known me or not, to know that, if I died young (how old is “young” anyway), please know that, I am totally at peace with that. I have no regrets at all, I’ve learnt to be able to say things that I want to say; hell, I confessed my feelings to all of my crushes BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU MOVE ON WITH LIFE KIDS; I’ve done a bunch of crazy things that people would probably never experience in a their entire lifetime; I can say that I have friends from all over my homeland and the world, so yeahhhhhhhhhhh my time on Earth was well worth it in my opinion.


Potentially Asked Questions (PAQs)

But there are so much more to see and do in this beautiful world, how could you just leave like that??!!!

I have accepted the fact that I’d never be able to see everything in this world or taste the best delicacies from everywhere, I’d also never experience all of the wonderful things that this world has to offer. So what if you have seen everything? Things change all the time and maybe it became better the moment you left a place but you missed it.

Be content and not greedy.

Are you trying to say that we should all die young?

Nope. I just wanted to say: Don’t be afraid of death.

How could you selfishly leave your family and friends behind?

Hey, I’m not killing myself here. I just said that I’m fine with dying anytime.

But not everyone has the means to be able to do whatever they want to do, you privileged spoiled brat.

Then work towards it. “Means” would be translated to “money”, “time”, and/or “permission”. First, you have to know what you are working for, to solve the “money” part. Then, you need to know what you are willing to sacrifice, to solve the “time” and “permission” part. Most importantly, know what you really want and how much would that cost. Everything else would come into place.

Do you actually look forward to life?

Yes, I do. I look forward to meeting new people and learning new things and exploring new places and experiencing new cultures and more.

What about your other half?

I currently don’t have one. I admit that my ideology might change once I met someone, but currently there’s no one. And maybe I’d die first before having someone so I’d not bother thinking about it first.

So when do you think you will die?

When Death comes to capture me.

How do you think you will die?

idk, but i hope that it doesn’t take long and painful.

This section would be updated as more questions arise.