i was still talking yesterday about how great i’ve been feeling at home, and it already bit me in the ass today.

this afternoon i was supposed to tidy up my late paternal grandma’s room to turn it into a guest room, which i have been putting off since last week, cos it was just so goddamn hard. i was looking through her things and stumbled upon some old photos. and then i just couldn’t stop crying.

then i drove over an hour to return a pair of socks.

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just now, i kept hearing some shuffling sounds. apparently my dad decided to take matters into his own hands. for some reason seeing her stuff being packed up makes me feel extremely emotional. i don’t want it to look like as if she never existed, but she lived such a humble and simple life. it still hurts so much. i dream of her quite often.

my brain fluctuates between the two compartments really quickly: Process Your Pain, Think of Something Else. and so now it doesn’t want to process further.

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the way i grieved my mother vs my grandmother turned out to be very different. with my mother i had no problems writing down my thoughts. with my grandmother i’m still struggling to. could it be that, grieving is easier when you’re younger? because you haven’t experienced other complicated life events. i still think of my mom at times and might shed a few tears but i think it’s normal to feel sad about her sometimes.

maybe i’ve not been as emotionally attuned to my inner self as i thought. i sometimes notice myself downright refusing to think about ah nei. maybe grieving is harder when you’re older because you’ve came longer in life and have more to lose.

well, i’m trying to treat my only grandparent left as well as i could. but i do feel a little bit like a fraud, like i’m overcompensating because i lost someone who i care more about. (oh she knows)

how i wish i came home much earlier