in the past twelve months, i flew home thrice; the last time i went back before that was in January 2024. the difference is staggering: zero times in a span of 18 months, and then three times in 12 months.

what changed? my uncle (ahkoo) and grandma (ahnei) died in that year and a half.

when i was growing up, ahkoo was this fun uncle who lived in the US who always came with gifts on his annual visits. he eventually relocated permanently and we lived on the same street for a few years. the reason he came back was because his only surviving sibling, my mother, was battling cancer… unsuccessfully. since i started a life on another continent, we only maintained a textual contact that usually happened on birthdays or festivals. we hung out though whenever i was home. he left us in March 2024.

ahnei practically raised me and my brother. i miss her cookings. i miss being her driver; though i did not have many chances to be. she has appeared often in my dreams recently, which confused the fuck out of me because it felt so real… maybe i am lucid dreaming a little. and also maybe that is why i’ve been sleeping a lot recently. she left us a year ago today.

while i have visited their graves, i don’t think i have really internalised the fact that they are really gone, forever. a part of me believes that, at some point in the future, i would see them again when i go home.